First Degree Burns Light Fires

Despite what the title may say, I don’t have any first degree burns. I have had them in the past because of cooking accidents, sunburns, and plain just being a klutz. But as usual anytime I blog on here, something has got a hold of my brain so I have to let it out somehow. And you all get to read it because sometimes I much as I love doing one on ones with you all I can’t make it to coffee or I just don’t know you ^^; (Sad but true)
Back to the subject on hand.
Last night, I was listening to PC talk (honestly, dude is an amazing speaker. Go check out his blog. Do it http://ragamuffinpc.com/) at Fusion going through the book of Acts. We were reading Acts 2:5-22. It was all about how the Holy Spirit made itself known to the world through the disciples and was like “Hey world, I’m here and Jesus loves you!” Cue jazz hands. Enough of my silliness though.
It was interesting to listen to PC talk about how God used the apostles to light a fire in the common people around them who in turn went and spread Christianity with such an intensity that it moved about the known world in such a short period. He pointed out that for them to do that they had to be on fire themselves. The exact words he used were “You can not catch anyone on fire unless you are willing to burn a little yourself.”
In the act of lighting an actual fire, you risk getting burned. It’s always a risk anytime you are around fire that you might get burned. You can be as careful as you can but you have to embrace that risk. The worst burn you can get when lighting your fire is hopefully, a first degree burn. This is due to the heat and chemical reaction of the fuel and the ignition source (I’m a slight pyromaniac just to let you all know) and what it does to our skin. But the idea of being on fire to set others on fire made a lot of sense to me.
It’s like I am a torch and God is the fuel that lights and sustains it. The more I allow the fuel aka God to saturate me and fill me the brighter I burn. The more people are going to notice that I am different. And by doing that, I can get to know them and show them who and what God is and doing in my life. But to light them on fire, I have to be willing to go past getting first degree burns.
My relationship with God can not just stay at that point. I can’t just keep holding my hand over the flame and pull back when things start to get hot and crazy. Recently my life is taking a new direction in several ways and not all of them I am excited about but are needed because I can not continue to live the way I am. What I need to do,along with continue moving forward with those changes, is continue to entangle myself in God. I can do nothing without him and I can most certainly not light others on fire for him. I need to entangle myself so much until were I’m not getting first degree burns but have gone into the territory of third degrees/being literally on fire so I can reach out and pass the fire along to those I come in contact with.
I’m not gonna lie, I feel like I’m already struggling with this but at the same time I know the struggle is worth it. Again as I have said before please pray for me and hopefully soon I can tell you what the changes are happen in the world of me.
Love and peace to you all
<3

New Blog

Just dedicated to my photography. It only has a few posts on there but it will grow.
Here's the link:


http://chimeraphotographystudios.wordpress.com/

Public Stories

I find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. It will a year and a half in June when I decided to make a promise to myself in dingy public school bathroom that I would crawl out of the rock bottom I had put myself in. I made the same promise to a friend a few days later. Looking back, this past year and a half I find things about me that have changed and haven't changed. The things that haven't changed are somewhat obvious to me and probably to others. I still love musicals, have blue eyes, my height hasn't changed, I still want three tattoos and have them planned out, want to dye my hair new colors every few weeks, and still live at home.

But other things have changed. My hair is longer, the color changed from brown to black, I go to college, & find myself, for the first time in a long while, starting to love me, flaws and all. But I realize with all the change I've gone through this past year and a half parts of my life and story haven't.

I still find myself hiding my story & the reminders or evidence of it. I have scars from myself and others that very few people have ever seen. Because of Fusion, the college group I go to, I learned how to share my story but I still hid a lot of it. I recall in January PC asked me to share about our Winter Retreat and my experience. The theme was sharing our stories and a lot of the walls I built to protect myself from people's judgments about my past and the choices I made, started to tumble down. But when PC asked me to share about that I realized I didn't want to share again (in PC's defense however, I really shouldn't have posted it on here if I didn't want to share. The lesson has still not been learned apparently if I'm doing stuff like this....) but I did it anyways. I stood up in front of Fusion and shared what my weekend looked like and how it felt to share parts of a story I didn't want (I still feel this way about my story some days)

Enough though in January I shared part of my story with Fusion and later told my small group the whole story I'm still fairly private about it. And even though I shared my story with my small group I still try to hide it the best I can. I refer to my past in general terms, keeping as many details out as I can because I don't want people to know I still don't have it quite all together. Is it a pride thing? Yes. Because for the longest time I was the one who had to be strong for my friends. So for me not to have it all together or pretending to, it bothers me. Something I'm working on, yes.  And I feel like if I don't give a name to the struggles from my past they go away. Clearly not the case but hey, can't fault a girl for trying.

But PC said something last night that is going to stay lodged in my brain for the next few weeks while I figure out what to do with it.

My story is not my own  he pointed out.

My story is connected to your story, just like you are connected to my story.

And then it hit me. The more I hide my story, the more harm I do to the community/congregation that Fusion is trying to build. Because if my story is tangled up in your story, who am I to try and take that away from you? If I hide my story from the people I want to be close with and to use a church term "live life with"  it defeats the whole purpose because you aren't getting to know the real me, flaws and all.  And if you don't know the real me, how can I be close to you.

Building a community/congregation is painful. I know I'm not going to like parts of it and will get hurt by something or someone down the line but there will be parts I love and will embrace fully. And to be a part of this process my story has to be out in the open. I can no longer pick and chose what I wish you to know. I must be open and honest with you and with myself about my past.

So here is my challenge to you who read this blog:

Encourage me, ask me questions, get to truly know me. And in return let me do the same with you.

Chimera

A Chimera, according to Greek mythology, was a being that had the body of a lion,with the hooves of a goat, and a snake for a tail. It’s a being that isn’t suppose to function but yet it does. The word chimera has been popping up in my life lately. It’s the name of the dance company I am trying to start along with the name of the photography business/studio I want to one day open/start. But lately I’ve discovered I am a bit of a Chimera myself. I can see you sitting there saying, wait, what, you’re a lion with a snake and hooves for feet?

No. But I shouldn’t function with how many conflicting interests and ideals I have but I do. I can’t explain it but my love of music, photography, theater, and writing along with my passion for creating and doing those things seem to blend together and function when I being creating something. I find myself with a personality and interests that should clash but they don’t.

For the longest time I was unable to accept that I may have interests and passions that shouldn’t cross over but they did. It left me in an odd place when it came to friendships. I would go on about how I liked one thing that my friends and I were interested in but would cross it over with something else they weren’t interested in left me on the fringes of that group. But now, I realized something today with PC.

I am happy with being a Chimera. I’m content with the personality and interests I have. And the reason why is because through Fusion and my first year of college, I’ve met people who have seen all the things I like and accept me for it, even if they don’t like it themselves. And its an amazing place to be.

So to all the Chimeras of the world who are feeling down and out, I want to tell you something. It does get better. While it may hurt now and its dark where you are, know that the sun always rises in God’s perfect timing. Just keep creating and being who you are because you will be accepted one day. Peace out lovelies

Who,not what, I am

It's no secret that America loves labels. It's been a part of our history and has taken over our culture. My friend Zack talked tonight how our culture defines us by what we do while God instead defines us by who we are. And the funny thing is we let ourselves do this and carry over into our journey with Jesus.

I'm guilty of it, sometimes I feel like I do it more than most. I find myself allowing others and myself to define my worth by what I do, instead of the woman God has created me to be. I feel like at 19 I have let this practice rule my life. I let the labels become costumes I can hide in. Parts that I can use to hide the woman who isn't quite sure what to do with herself yet. 

These last few weeks have been tough for me. I've been having to look in the mirror and examine my life and think to myself "is this truly what my life is suppose to look like?" I am coming face to face with parts of me that I would rather stay buried, never to be seen or heard from again. Why? Because they prove that using labels as disguses or ways to be liked hasnt worked.  And its hard for me to accept that fact because it means everything I've worked at is all a little bit pointless, don't you think? So where does that leave me?

It leaves me with a place to grow, a place to learn to love who I am, the girl who loves performing, creating, writing, laughing singing, being with friends and family, and most important hanging out with Jesus and learning more about him and myself as I follow and abide in him. But how will I do that? The same way I learn anything about my other friends or people I admire. Ill hang out and Facebook stalk Jesus. Now you're thinking wait Facebook stalk Jesus, you are tripping more than you normally do. But when you Facebook stalk someone you are trying to learn more about them, in a rather creepy fashion, but you want to know everything about them. And to be honest despite 15 years of growing up in the church and being able to understand it, I have a rather shallow and poor view of Jesus. So now, its time for
Me to be serious about my relationship with him. I need to stop passing him by in the hallways of my church and barely paying attention as I read my bible or pray. I need to actively engage in the relationship instead of trying to take and give only a little in return. Instead of holding back the things that keep me awake and worry me I need to let them slip through my fingers into his hands. And that includes my dreams and plans for the future. Will it be easy? No, it's a learning process. After all Michaelango didn't sculpte David overnight (by the way I have seen the actual David statue) But nothing ventured nothing gained ^_^

So my friends, if you are reading this, here's me getting ready to take the leap into abiding. more than likely I will stumble, I'll get bruised and wonder why I am doing this but...…that's ok. I am only human. But I have a savior and a loving father willing to help me back up when I stumble along with an amazing community who is willing to spur me on and help me focus on abiding. So here we go gang, time to dive in. Care to join me?

Passions that encourage

I have been taking two dance classes this semester. I've been taking modern dance and urban hip hop at my college. And I have to say it's been interesting to dance two completely different styles of dance. At the same time it was so much fun to be apart of both dances. 
I made a few friends and learned a lot about myself through the classes.

I learned that I'm actually a decent if not semi good dancer when I have choreography to learn and perform. I also got reminded how much I miss anything related to theater and performing in general. I was discussing this with one of the girls in my class and how I was upset that there is only one dance company on campus and that while I have experience from other shows, I don't have the background required to be apart of the dance company. We came up with a solution that surprises me. Hopefully, if we can get the dance director to agree, we are going to start another company. One that focuses more on telling a story through dance instead of technique. Im not sure what's going to happen with that but at the same time I really want it to work out.

But I also was asked by three girls in my modern class to craft hair dangles (think those things Johnny Deep wore in his hair during Pirates of the Caribbean). So I did it and people who weren't even in our class came over and told me that I need to set up a booth at a local art event or begin to sell them on the internet. Those comments gave me some things to think about but at the same time it was amazing how much of a blessing it was to hear that people liked my stuff and thought I could make money off of it.

Tonight was such an encouragement to me. I may have only danced in two numbers but I was told that I was a great photographer, artist, and jewelry maker as well. It also pointed out to me that performing is what I want to do for years to come. Just like writing I feel a connection to the stage that is hard to describe. I feel like its home to me, a place like my small group or Fusion, the real me is able to come out and be loved.

I feel the same with dance. I may not be the most amazing dancer in the world but I feel like it is yet another place where my voice is allowed to come through. What does all this mean for my life? I don't know. I'm learning that stuff like this deserves a lot of prayer and thought. But it makes me excited  to see where these passions are going to take me. And I think that's where I need to be for the moment.

Anyways my darlings, enjoy your night and see you soon : )

Pruning and glorious messes

When I was younger I remember my mother had a huge garden. In it we had a beautiful world full of flowers and life that was fun to be around. I remember too that she had a few rose plants that I would watch her cut down to a few main branches before leaving them. I'd watch as she water and care for what seemed like a dead twig in the ground for the months leading into spring.
Finally as spring came I can recall watching in fascination as branches and buds along with leaves began to turn the root into something beautiful as the buds bloomed into roses that colors ranged from a light pink to a deep ruby red.
Why am I bringing this up? Because these past few weeks we've been talking in Fusion about remaining in Christ and abiding in the vine like he calls us to do in John 15. And to be honest I've heard it before in church how we need to continue to remain in God or we cant make it in  this life. It's just too much that we can't handle or make happen on our own. It's impossible to handle this crazy life on our own. And to handle it I thought we had to remain in Christ which meant that all I had to do was show up on sundays and worship while reading my Bible daily and praying and serving others occasionally. 
But it's more than that. It also says in John 15 that God like my mom did will prune the vine so it can bare fruit. Just like my mom knew the rose bush wouldn't sprout anything unless she trimmed away the dead growth so to does God know we don't grow without work. 
That's where I find myself at the moment. It's fall in my life and God is trimming away dead growth. I feel terrified. Change is always scary and hurt in a way but that doesn't make it any else beautiful to me. But as I was saying without God pointing out the things in my life preventing me to be the best example I can be I would be screwed. There would be no growth. I'd be stuck as a dead shrub not a shrub who will eventually reach spring and bloom.
Until then I have to relearn a lot of stuff and it feels crappy like I'm getting no where. Growing is painful but here I am a glorious mess learning how to abide in her Father and what he has for me in my life and to let him make a beautiful thing out of my life.

Dear Old Me

To the girl who stands next to me as I look in the mirror, my twin whose face is familiar as my own, hello again. You, dear old self, were once the only person who I could call my only friend. The one who looked out for me and kept me safe from everything that tried to hurt me. You were the shoulder I leaned on and that pushed me through the darker days of my life. 
You also were the one that held me back keeping me from going too far down the path of self destruction I craved with passion. You taught me how to build walls so it would just be you and me because in the end, that was all I had. But now it's time for us to say goodbye.
Yes. Thats right. It is time for you to pack your bags and walk out that door. Because while you may have restrained me from self imploding you also held me back from fully running into God's loving embrace.  And yes you may have kept me alive when I lost hope but God is the one who now showing me that my hope lies in him. I no longer need you to whisper in my ears a list of past sins and deeds that trap in chains of guilt because they are becoming points of references, dots on a timeline instead of my perminate place of address. You, the other half in the mirror, are a warped measuring stick that fails to truly show how my Father really sees me.
You,old me, can leave your key as I show you out. I know you will try and come back but I have a community that will remind me that you are my past not the girl who I am today. And all you are is a point of reference in the story book of my journey, nothing more or less.
So old me thank you for what you did in getting me through the tough parts of my life but now it's time for you to go. I'll lock the door of my heart after you exit it.
Sincerely,
Me.

Trust

Trust.
All I hear is
The ringing in
My ears, and the acidic
Taste of broken promises
That came from my mouth.

Trust.
You want me
To take that step
Yet again, hand outstretched
To cast aside the past and take
Your hand in mine.

Trust
How can I
Tell you that the
Only thing holding me
Back is the girl who lives
In fear, the dark twin whose
Embrace has become home sheltering
Me from the glares that might come my way.

Trust
You stand there
Waiting saying come
And I’ll give you rest, just
Waiting for me to shrug off
The self imposed chains as I struggle
Trying to ignore the painful comfort of
My own strength and I keep falling short

Trust
The one thing
I lack as I want
To reach out, to grasp your
Hand and just hang on to you
To have a child like faith and just
Believe because you say so.

Trust
Father please
Grant me the trust
To remain in you completely.

Amen

_____________________________

Something that has been bouncing around in my head since Sunday. Totally captures the mood I’m in.

To My Child

In my ASL class Thursday, we started to learn the signs to apply to our family. And during one of the dialogs that we use to practice the signs we are learning, a question came up asking if you wanted kids. People think the automatic answer to the question for any woman would be yes. But to be honest I am hesitant. I know I want kids, I’ve felt it every time I see someone’s baby or a little kid running around my church. At the same time though, I fear that I wouldn’t be a good parent. ( Odd I’ve yet to graduate college and I’m happily single and I’m worried I won’t be a good parent…go figure *shoulder shrug*)

But it got me thinking what would I say if I could met my child for a few seconds and talk to them? Honestly I’m not sure but I think, it would go something like this poem I penned while thinking about it.

To you my child,
I write these words
Hoping they find you
In good health, or at least
You will be slightly okay, better
Than I was doing at whatever age
You find yourself reading this.

I hope you know that
I love you, that I show
It to you in new ways every
Day, because everyday before
You got here on this planet, I
Swore up and down that I would
Treat you right.

I pray that you are
Everything you want
To be, that I’ve taught you
The importance of a penny saved,
The pride of hard work, and most of
All,the endurance to chase your dreams to completion.

I know that
I hope that you
Are always smiling more
Than you are crying, for life is
Never quite as easy as we like. I pray
You never doubt the love of the Father and
The Son and that you will always be wrapped
In there love.

But most of all,
The thing I wish you
Most to know, is that I will
Love you through the playful
Summer and during gentle Fall,
On the nights of sorrowful Winter, I hold
You close whispering how much I love you, and
During gleeful Spring afternoons I’ll dance with you
Through fields, letting our laughter mingle as I yell to
The skies how much I love you.

So my child,
Where ever in time
You may be, know that
No matter what I will always love you.

The Price of Grace.

went and saw Reprando on Wenesday as part of the group of volunteers for the showing that is happening in our area on April 7th. And it shook me. My brain is still trying to wrap around everything that was said in there. And even then, its not even half way through processing it yet. But the thing that keeps sticking out to me from the movie, is how interwoven grace is throughout the story of the film.

Without getting into too much detail, because I want you, readers or people who even just briefly glance at this, to go and see it for yourselves. But the images of the dump keep sticking in my head and this doll’s hand just reaching out to the sky, like its waiting to be rescued from the shit that its trapped in. And that is still messing with me as the words were said when it was shown a second time “God has rescued us and now we are trophies of His grace.”

Damn.

Trophies of His grace.

Honestly, I don’t understand grace. I think no matter, how much I read, no matter how hard I try and figure it out I never will. I’m always striving to earn something it feels like in this life from my paycheck to your comments on this post or anything I put out, I feel I have to earn something to get something. It was just the way I was taught. You save A, so that you can get B, to enjoy C. That’s just how my brain was molded. So when I hear of grace and the fact all it requires is for you to let go of what you are carrying and be willing to let yourself be rescued and taught and walk as Jesus did.

I’d like to lie and say I don’t know which of those things is hardest for me. But I have to say when it comes to grace, there is no way to earn it that bothers me but not as much as the fact I have to be willing to be rescued and carried part of the way. I’m so use to being strong, of the rock/shoulder to cry on in most of my friendships. Being strong on my own gets me so far but to be secure enough to be broken and trusting God? That is the hard for me, to let go of the arrogance of thinking, I’ve got this. I can get so lost in that mindset that I try to earn grace that I forget that it can never be earned because it is not for sale. Grace can not be sold or bartered because it is a gift. A gift that I have to fully want and allow to change my life.

Because Grace isn’t just about wiping the slate clean. It’s about that and allowing that gift to help point out things that need to be changed and working on those things. And I’m still learning how to let that happen. The point of grace isn’t just to redeem but to redeem and restore. And the price for this is my surrender. I’m by no means an expert on the subject. But I think the more I strive to accept Grace and let it into my life to change me, only then will I be able to change the world. Because with my own strength, I can do nothing. With Grace and God’s strength I can be a light, I can change the world. Now all I got to do is continue to work on my growth, to remember that I can’t do it without God and his Grace.

And with that I leave you with this quote

“In efficacious grace we are not merely passive, nor yet does God do some and we do the rest. But God does all, and we do all. God produces all, we act all. For that is what produces, viz. our own acts. God is the only proper author and fountain; we only are the proper actors. We are in different respects, wholly passive and wholly active.” Jonathan Edwards

The Importance of Small Groups Part 2

Continuing this theme of small group life and community life, I would figure that I would throw another post out there about it. So here we go. I love my small group. I’m going to say it again. I love my small group ( I know that my church changed their name to growth groups but I’m fond of the phrase small group. *shrug* Tomato, Tamato in this humble blogger’s opinion ). They are all so unique and beautiful and I love being in community with them.

But sometimes in looking at them I feel like I’m woefully inadequate. My self esteem has never been the greatest in the world and loves to rear its ugly head sometimes. It’s hard for me to see positive change in my life or in my character because of that problem. I promise this will come up soon.

Anyways over the past two days, I’ve been able to hang out with people from my small group and my small group as a whole. And its been awesome. Like Tuesday. On Tuesday, I got to catch up and have dinner with my leader Sarah Kotar. It was such a blessing to talk to her and hear her advice/thoughts on the subject of forgiveness (another thing I’m struggling with. Something that I have a feeling is going to take a lot of prayer and practice) and just hang out.

Fast forward to today, I arrived at our group’s coffee meeting place, Tueplo, early and ran into Lori. After ordering something to keep me awake (the coffee is working a little bit too well), the two of us caught up a bit. It was so interesting to see how she’s grown over the past couple of months and I’m excited to see where God is taking her in her life and walk.

But over the our small group it was beautiful to hear the thoughts of everyone and even when we had our laughs because of the rabbit trails we went down on during the course of the discussion, it felt like it was where we needed to go.

However, I felt myself getting into this whole I’m not good enough for this small group when I shared how I feel like I’m re-learning a lot of how to do Christianity as a lifestyle faith choice, not an obligation or a duty. Part of me feels guilty because I was raised in church but at the same time I know being raised in church or out of it has nothing to do with Christianity. So many times in the Bible God chose people who were sinners to be apart of his plan.

Yet, I feel like my growth in re-learning things has been so limited that I get frustrated because I feel like I should be past things. But after small group, Lori and I were talking again and she said that its been great to see me grow. Which reminded me of why small groups are important. PC preached a message on encouraging one another, reminding us to spur each other on as it said in the passage he read to us.

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of spurring from my small group, which is another reason why small groups or community in general. Because sometimes, when you stare at the problems in your life its easy to get distracted. To get discouraged. But that’s why I think God placed us in community. To have people in your life to remind you when you can’t see it, that things really are changing. Because honestly I sometimes can not see my own growth or I see it in such a limited view, because of my confidence issues and my impatience (I can have patience with people but not my own growth or myself, I’m a work in progress.) But when someone points out where the heck I’ve grown, its pretty much like a light bulb going off. Because sometimes I get so caught up in my problems leaving me blind and stumbling around, I need someone to point out the fact that there is progress.

I find that is the another beauty of small groups/communities of believers. That people can come along beside each other and point others to the growth they see and encourage them to keep going forward. I just love that I’m in this place where I’m able to learn these things even if it takes me a while and a few people spurring me on to see it.

And with that I ‘ll leave you with this “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Hebrews 10:24

Peace out peeps and may God continue to guide you through this crazy wonderful life

Looking for good things

Well, I started a new challenge today. And it was all because of my big mouth. In small group I gave a challenge to my friend Shelli, and stated I never took it because I was chicken, which was to find five good things every day. I said when you look for five things to be grateful for then your attitude improves. And I told her that if after a week it didn’t work than she didn’t have to do it. But if it worked than add two more things.

It is (apparently) a way to help you realize how blessed you are in your life. And honestly, I don’t feel very blessed most of the time. Even though I’m living in one of the richest nations and doing better than most of the world, I’m struggling sometimes its feels like to just get by when crazy things in life happen. But as I walked through my day, I was surprised when I found myself finding more than five things to be grateful for.

I’m looking forward to seeing if this trend continues. I feel so thankful that I was able to make it through the first day of the challenge and now I am off to a work meeting and then celebrating a birthday of a friend :)

And now as I leave I leave you with a quote by Louis Camuti ““How you respond to the challenge in the second half will determine what you become after the game, whether you are a winner or a loser.”

Peace

On why small groups are helpful to a Christain walk

Well to be honest I wanted to write this as an academic essay and then present in ASL along with a PowerPoint but I think a blog entry will do. Ehem, moving along here, I've been apart of FUSION for almost nine months now, give or take a few days, hours, minutes, etc. And with that I've probably been apart of the girl's small group for about half of that time give or take again.

And well to continue with explaining my title, I've never really understood what a small group was until I got into this one. I mean growing up in the church and thus the youth programs, I knew what small group was. It was suppose to be a place where you got to know the people around you and in turn they got to know you. You pray for each other, helpeach other through tough times and love each other. In theory at least. For me, sadly, I never really go that connection with my peers. Partially because I wanted relationships that didn't deal with high school jokes that I didn't get and the other part is I didn't really know how to let the real me be known by people just yet. Well I'm still learning that but I'm better than I use to be....I think.... ^_^;

But with my small group now, its such a blessing to be apart of. I love being apart of the girls lives and learning more about them each time they share. Its a beautiful thing to see them as they are and where their hearts lie when they speak. At the same time though I still get freaked out by the group still. I remember the fear I felt the first time I went and the verbal spar (it was fun being devil's advocate *shrug*) I used as a way of defending myself from people trying to get to know me. To be honest I still use a lot of sarcasm and wit to throw people off. It's a little less than I use to do though, so progress : D

But slowly, bit by painful bit of bricks my walls are slowly tumbling down and leaving me uncovered to this community that God has placed me in. It freaks me out. Not gonna lie, there are moments where I don't know what everyone is thinking and that scares me. Like when I shared my story or how I shared tonight about my doubts. There were questions that made me want to pretend to get a call and go home but at the same time, growth most come at some sort of cost and it is most often pain.

This community I am in, with their questions, love, and prayers with different personalities belonging to a uniquely formed and beautiful woman of God, each of them teach me something every time we met. I'm learning from them lessons that I would've never thought of and challenges I would otherwise avoid like the plague itself. The Bible says that when we get into community our faith is strengthened. That things that are daunting and strength draining get lighter when they are shared.

Basically its like our church preaches, if you aren't in a small group we aren't living up to our full potential. Human beings are herd creatures, we seek out companionship and community, even if it seems like we don't. And in a small group, you will be challenged to grow in ways that are uncomfortable and hurt, but it's worth it. Or so I am being taught.

In the end I know I am blessed by my small group and I feel like the more involved in the group I become the more my walk will be strengthened and challenged : ) And that is the most beautiful thing about being in community I think : )

Book Reviews to Come

Well, I figured since I read so much I might as well put out some sort of review system thing on here. ^_^

So current books on my reading list that will be reviewed at some point:

1. Your Secret Name: Discovering who God created you to be-Kary Oberbrunner
2. Captivating-John and Stacey Elderidge
3. Searching for God knows what-Donald Miller
4. Jayne Eyre-Charlotte Bronte

More will be added as time goes on but I hope to finish them soon and get back to you all with my opinion on them
Bye

Courage Lacking

I stare at you, words hanging from the inside of my teeth, ready to bungee jump into the world. Somehow I continue to hold them in place, tying the ropes in knots around the roots of my teeth, allowing the words to be swallowed back down my throat so I can choke on the emotions I am holding back. I wish I could say something.

I always hate the fact that instead of the bravery I so wantonly display as a mask, the fear I long to hide comes forth from the deepest reaches of my soul to grip my limbs in a vice. The fear of being judged pounces on my unprotected psyche, devouring it like a tiger before latching onto my limbs. They shake as if trying to escape before I press them against the scratchy fabric of my sleeves.

How can I say this to you? I want to let the words climb out of the mountain of my insides until they reach the light of day before climbing into your ears and awaking the synapses that lay in there. I wish I had boldness to scream to the world, this is my friend and I am damn proud of her. But instead I stare into the cup of coffee in front of me, letting the tiger sink her claws deeper into my cowardly lion hide that I wear.

So here we sit adrift on an open sea, arms interlocked into a hug but islands that drift further and further from each other with every second that passes because of my lack of courage.

In All Honesty, I hate (My Dis)Honesty

Well, title says it all doesn’t it? But I think it deserves an explanation. This past week, one questions from my college group, FUSION, have been worming under my brain and creating an itch that I can’t seem to scratch as I pen (type) this blog. One of the questions went something like this: as we continue to grow as a community (something I am super excited to see and to be apart of!) what four things: worship, constancy, love, and authenticity, that are essential to community will you have trouble with? Staring at that question I figured, well I can always just skip that question and not answer it. But I thought about it for a while, wondering what my answer would be.

Loving others isn’t as hard for me as it is others. Maybe its because over my life I’ve had my friends be few and far (or so it feels to myself) and when I find them I learn to hang onto them as tight as I can which means showing how much I love them. Worship, well, even if I’m in a funk I find myself worshiping. Consistency? I go every week and the same with small group. But its home to me, so I’d rather be there then anywhere else a lot of the time. Which left me authenticity. The act of being authentic. The third definition for the word of authentic is not an imitation, real, actual. Following after that is being true to one’s personality, spirit, or character.

Ouch.

Owwie.

Pain. Lots of pain.

Those are very very painful definitions to read. Thinking on my life I hate it when I am lied to or my friends withhold something from me. But yet, I went through and thought it was necessary to hide the me I should’ve been proud to be. Layers of make-up helped reinforce a fake smile, while my masks were tied firmly in place. I thought that if I was loud enough, if my smile was bright enough, and if I had all the right lines (you know, I’m fine, just tried, I’m good, the weekend was crazy, school sucks…etc.) that I would get away with it. No one would know the real me, who was wounded and scarred from life.

So here I was, angry at my friends for withholding information but yet, there I was, hiding behind my loudness and smile. I still find myself doing that. Hiding behind the brashness and giving a hollow answer. Which I think leads to the moral of this story. I have a problem with authenticity. I don’t like being real with people. Give me a piece of paper I will pour pieces of my soul that haven’t seen the light in years into it but when it comes to doing that with people, you will see the dust cloud from my running somewhere very far away from the group of people.

This past month more and more “opportunities” have popped (or God has thrown my way….) up where I have to be real and have to bring the me I’ve been keeping locked away from the world. And to be honest, I am mostly hating it. But God has been laying it on my heart, that its something I need to do. Something that needs to happen and that he’s gonna use. How?

I don’t know.

I never really understand why things happen in my life until way later. But to be honest there are still things I truly don’t understand about my life. Or how things have happened and I’m still wondering why they have happened or if I could change it.

But back to the main point here, I have to stop being dishonest. I can’t keep lying to people because it harms the very sense of community I long for and want to strive to create. And to do that, I have to be honest with God. No more being half assed no more only giving him half of my heart. One of my girl friends, Danae, ( I love her to death. told me that she she finally let go and gave a whole bunch of shit up to him. And it struck me that I haven’t done that.

I’ve only given parts and thought that God and I would be okay.

Haha……right.

So now, that leaves me at the end of the first month of the new year with one of my goals staring me straight in the face but with an ammendment to it.

Be open.

But here’s the change:

Be open and be honest, even though it hurts.

Because even if it hurts, there is something beautiful out of it. The real me comes out and can be apart of the community that is around me.

“Honesty: the best of all lost arts”-Mark Twain

The Butterfly

I stare at you once more. I’ve been told that when I stare that it’s become less obvious then the stares I would give in the past. Somehow you keep drawing my eyes back towards you as I take everything about you in. If someone asked me to compare you to something, I would say a butterfly. It maybe odd that I pick an insect to compare you with but yet, I think that nothing else will fit.

But people forget how delicate butterflies truly are. They only see the colors blurring the divide between earth and sky as wings flutter through the air. For a moment all we are entrapped by the beauty we see forgetting the frailty that God created them with. Maybe that’s why I compared you to them when I first met you. For all you beauty it seemed like fragility clung to your shoulders almost as if it created translucent wings seeming to turn you into a fairy.

As I stare, compiling a profile of you in my head I wonder is it wrong. I try to stop this, looking at people, sizing them up, watching actions and listening to words analyzing them to understand them and learn how to avoid them if needed. Looking at my profile I fear that I will judge you on it. That I’ll push away the chance to get to know you and just become friends with the idea that I think you might be.

So where does this leave us as I continue to stare at you? Will you always be the butterfly to me or will you become a friend?

Crazy storms lead to calm waters? Maybe just not yet…but that’s ok :)

I find myself unable to fall asleep yet again. Nothing new when I don’t have work or school the next day but I can feel my brain protesting, groaning for me to go to bed. But I can’t because at the same time its way too wired to go to bed. This weekend was crazy for me as I had a family dinner, some crazy stuff at work, and church, Fusion, and meeting with one of the girls, Sarah Long, to help her with her poetry. That was so much fun. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

At work, stuff got crazy and busy and I totally forgot that I had a family dinner at my grandma’s house. So I got off of work early and decided to head to the used bookstore to just chill out for a bit. As I was driving home, I got a text from my mom (yes she texts. Parents can text. It’s not like there is a law against it.) saying that they would met me at work and then we’d take one car to my grandma’s house

Aw crap, was my first thought as I called my mom. My dad answered the phone and I said I got off of work early and went to look at the used bookstore and forgot but was on my way. Needless to say with him that was strike one. And strike two was that I was dressed in kinda grubby clothes for work. Strike three would be my nerves at dinner getting the best of me and I talked too much. So Saturday was just this whirlwind of stress for me with tons of anxiety because of all the stress and very little time just to process it.

Finally I was able to get away to journal that night, pouring out my heart to God, wondering why my life just seems to be a huge amount of stress right now. But I took up reading Psalm again and Psalm 4:8 stuck out to me as I finished prayer journalling ” In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you oh LORD, make me dwell in safety.” And with how uncertain my life has been getting in the past few weeks this verse just gave me such comfort.

I’m still learning how to trust God with everything and when new troubles come and already stir up the already choppy water of life, I get so worried that I’m going to start sinking and drowning because the problems just seem so big. But looking at that verse, I have to realize that God has got it. My Abba has a plan for all the pain and hurt that causes my life to feel like its just this endless cycle of crazy storms.

I just have to remember that in this boat, Jesus is sitting next to me and is going to calm the storms one day. I just have to continue to pray and trust that the plans He has for me is so much (and I know it is) better than anything I can plan or convince in my own mind. Because in the scheme of things, I’m only seeing just a fraction of a corner of a painting, while God he see’s the whole Sistine Chapel in its entirety.

My waters may not calm for awhile, I understand that. But James 1:2-3 seemed to pop up the past two weeks giving me a reason why my storms might be just what I need “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” – James 1:2-3″ Nobody likes pain. But we have to admit it builds character, it makes us stronger and we learn so much from it. About a month ago I remember praying God help me draw close to you. And I’ve learned to be careful for what I pray for now because I am drawing closer to God through these trials I am facing. (If you want other examples, peace today after having a really bad day yesterday, sharing a part of my story with Fusion-which related to my prayer of being more open, I could go on but I’m hoping you get the idea)

Right now all I know is that staying in the community that I’m in with Fusion, praying, and reading my Bible are the tools I need to continue to keep my boat on top of the water. Now I just need to trust that Jesus has the rest under control and will calm the storm when it fits into his plan.

And with that I leave you with these words:
We fail to see the place of suffering in the broader scheme of things. We fail to see that suffering is an inevitable dimension of life. Because we have lost perspective, we fail to see that unless one is willing to accept suffering properly, he or she is really refusing to continue in the quest for maturity. To refuse suffering is to refuse personal growth.

Henri J. M. Nouwen

Comfort Zones Abandoned: Part 3

In keeping up with this blogging entry series I figured what the heck why not write another entry dealing with my comfort zones and God. But as I was watching for a preview for a new movie coming out, called The Rite, I heard Anthony Hopkins give a creepy voice over but the words are still ringing in my head because they are so true. “As skeptics we are always searching for proof. But what happens when we find it?” And the thing I realized is that for skeptics there is never enough proof for them until they finally just have to accept on faith that there are somethings that they don’t understand.

Webster (yes, I like the dictionary very much thank you. If more people read it or bothered to chose words from it, conversations would have much more class and would be a lot more interesting to contribute too) lists on of the definitions of faith as this “complete trust”. When I saw that I had to read it again. Complete trust. Since around ten years old, I really haven’t completely trusted anything. Always my inner cynic likes to remind me that nothing lasts forever along with its other favorite, people fail you why trust them, they’ll leave at some point.

So when I saw that it said complete trust it threw me for a loop. Odd, I thought I was only not trusting the people in my life but yet, here I was purposely ignoring the fact I did the same to God. Just like the people in my life, I only let God to a certain point of my walls and said, “Sorry God you can’t come any closer.” And I realize that the attitude of defensiveness and mistrust towards God and others has seriously stunted parts of my life.

I can look back and point out parts of my life that would have been so different if I had just trusted. But I can’t change my past. The only thing I can do is change the how I follow God in the present to follow God’s will into the future he has planned for me. I am learning how to take down my walls but there’s more that God wants for me. He wants me to trust him completely.

Which is just a little hard for me. And its hard for me still. But yet, so far here I am doing things because I’ve been trusting. I’ve prayed more in the past two weeks than I did two months ago, I talked about part of my journey at Fusion and I’ve shared most of my story with a few more people. I’m growing as a person because of the trust I’ve had in God.

But its still a process I still don’t get it but I know that it is all going to be worth it in the end. All I have to do is just continue praying for the strength to hold onto my Abba’s hand and to keep taking the steps forward I need to.

Comfort Zones Abandoned: Part 2

Alright so here is my first attempt at public speaking from FUSION last night. I was saying umm a lot because I was nervous.....not my finest moment but hey, God does what he's and use what he's gonna use right?

Comfort Zones abandoned: Part 1

A week ago, I had told my “trust party” that I have shared part of my story and do not wish to for a long while. Sharing the small part I did, it was painful for me. It was scary. Part of the comfort zone that I had built over the period of 6 years that I have used to built my walls as well was stripped away. It left a slowly healing scar free to air and heal from the bandages that I had created to cover it which only left it to fester.

As I was at work this Friday while on break I had received a text message from Facebook. And in it, it contained a message from PC who asked me to trim down my “I AM NOT YOUR LUNCH!” post and share it with our college group, FUSION. My first reaction was, what the hell????!!!! The second thing and I said this out loud while looking up at the ceiling, “I hate you so much at this moment God but I still really love you. But I hate you right now.” (I swear my relationship with God is soooo weird at times, but I love him and He loves me :)

Anyways my first message in reply was, “Ummm, what do you want filed down and read?” Quickly followed by “This is in no way a yes on my part. I would like to know what I might be getting into.” Yesh, can’t you tell I really don’t like to share any part of myself with others (And yet, I expect people to be straight with me…..such an oxymoron) The next thing I did was send a message to my friend Lori ( follow her here http://lorileilani.wordpress.com/) that PC had asked me to speak (The exact wording went like this: Ah! PC asked me to share on sunday and I have no idea what to say in reply to his question)

She called me a little while later to ask me what he exactly wanted to share and I told her about my blog post about winter retreat. Lori encouraged me to share, saying it would be a great opportunity for me. To which I replied, alright I’ll message him back and say yes. I stated I would go through the post and cut it out a lot of stuff leaving me with two pages of how I felt about the retreat and what happened. I shipped it off to PC and began to worry.

And for me, I can worry and worry and worry until it morphs into a restless anxiety that seems to transform my heart into a drum and my hands into dancers as they shake all over the place. But that wouldn’t happen until later in the night. Most of the worry just felt like a stone that was lodged in my gut, weighing my whole body down. At church Sunday morning I ran into Faythe who knew what I was speaking and that I was nervous. We joked that I could be like a puppet and she would just speak for me. :) But we talked about getting together for coffee tomorrow (technically today by the time I post this) before we parted ways until Fusion later tonight. Thankfully as I kept getting worried, my brother and I were able to hang out before Fusion and do some shopping which was really fun and helped me get my mind off of a lot of the stress that has happened over the past week, and the anxiety of speaking in front of everyone later the night. Finally after running around, I grabbed my notes for my speech thingy and hopped into the car to get into Fusion. I toyed with the idea of grabbing some Starbucks but I realized that I was already nervous and the amount of caffeine that is in a Peppermint Mocha would make it worse.

As I was thinking about why I was so anxious while driving to Fusion, it was because I was so afraid of being judged. Like Sarah Long shared at the retreat, she was scared of what others thought of her when she spoke or do something. Even though I wear bright colors or jewelry that I make or even my ear cuff that has two piercings connected to it or my hair dangles, I am very much afraid of people. I am afraid of their thoughts about me and if I will be well liked. Am I a people pleaser? Yes, very much so at times. I want people to like me because I want to be accepted for who I am.

At Fusion, I was still a little nervous as I kept reading over my notes being very anti-social. Walking towards the bathroom to try and make myself look decent before I got in front of the whole group I ran into PC. He stated that he wanted to have me join him and the student leaders (whose ranks include Mary, Lori, Tina, Brian, Spencer, Sarah Long, and Marcos.) in prayer and to talk about how the night would go. In the group I couldn’t help but feel a little bit out of place at that moment but ignored it so I would know what the heck was going to happen. I would talk after worship led by Spencer with Tina and Marcos helping. And then PC would talk. More worship and then we would all head off to coffee.

As we prayed I found myself repeating the prayer in my heart that I had been praying all day “God, I have no idea what I am doing. I know that these words are just words unless you do something. I pray that you allow the Holy Spirit to take these words and use them for your glory.” Walking back towards our meeting place arm in arm with Mary we ran into Faythe and Lori. Quickly I snatch a hug from Faythe, hoping it would help quell the anxiety that I was feeling. She offered to go up with me and be my support but I let my pride answer and say I got it.

During worship my stomach decided to begin doing an acrobatic circus which blew into a full blown Hollywood stunt set as PC got up and began to talk about the winter retreat. My heart was beating a rapid tempo in my chest. It felt like it was taking a sledgehammer against my chest to get out in an attempt to stop me from speaking. People said afterwords I looked confident but I felt anything but as I opened my mouth to begin speaking. But once I began speaking the anxiety slowly faded as the words began to tumble out of my mouth.

I knew what I had written and went a little off script in some places, adding humor and a few thoughts I didn’t throw into my blog. It was weirdly comforting to speak in front of everyone and tell about how it felt to open up to the people in my trust group and how I need to be open with the people in my life and God. As I sat down I realized that Faythe recorded me speaking and she promised to email me it, so that will be the part two of this little series. How many more entries will it span? I don’t know. We’ll see ;)

But as the night ended, Dan (from the trust party) had come up to me thanking me for sharing. I told him that I felt so nervous and that I’m glad he enjoyed it. He then proceeded to tell me how it was ironic that I shared that I didn’t think I would be able to share my story for a long time but here I was, sharing my reaction to the weekend before. And I realized that through PC, God was pushing me out of one of my major comfort zones. Webster defines a comfort zone as “the level at which one functions with ease and familiarity”. And the level that I function at ease with is being a very walled individual that few people (unless they are stubborn enough or have the patience of a saint combined with Gandhi’s level of patience as well) ever get through.

So having to share my thoughts and feelings about something that I have gone through recently, that is way outside of my comfort zone. One could argue that if I didn’t want to share I shouldn’t have blogged it. Just as they can argue if some other speaking gig comes out of this blog and I didn’t want to speak about it I wouldn’t of blogged it. And yes, that argument is very true and wins over anything I can come up with to rebut it. But by writing that blog, I was setting in motion an answer to a prayer that I made a week ago in which I said “God I want to be more open help me.”

And by speaking in front of Fusion, in front of friends and strangers tonight, I gained something. I gained a bit of freedom that I have been longing for almost as bad as water after walking home during the summer heat. I’ve taken a step to abandoning my comfort zones and while I am terrified of leaving, I know that there is something better waiting for me. Something that my Abba Father is just waiting to bless me with at some point. But to get there, I’ve got to continue stepping out. To be open with those who are around me and to the God who loves me. And I find myself grinning at the excitement of where this journey will lead and pray that I will have the strength and trust to continue.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ” Jeremiah 29:11

Soundtrack of Why

I love music. And all types of music, so its hard for me just to stick with one cd or artist for more than a few hours before I switch to another artist or cd or playlist I’ve made. But this week I’ve been finding myself listening to the band Fireflight more and more. Specifically their cd For Those Who Wait. I’ve had the cd for more than a yearish now and I have yet to truly listen to it all that much. But over this past week I’ve found myself listening to them as my stress levels continue to increase.

Questions keep continuing to bother me while they (stress levels) continue to rise. I don’t understand how only a weekend ago I felt such peace and contentment but now, my life is in full blown stress mode as I sit here, wanting to bite my nails but I don’t have any. I wish my life didn’t always seem to toss and turn so freely from un-stress to stress mode, its like I’m being a shirt being tossed around in the dryer.Meanwhile I feel my soul crying out to God, “Why? Why now?! Why me?” Someone asks why because they seek to understand the situation or the statement that someone says.

I feel like most of my life has been just a series of why questions to God that go unanswered. I may have never known what it is like to go without meals except for when I forgot money for lunch or been forced to go without shelter but to quote Susan E. Isaacs “Mine are just middle-class white girl’s tragedies. But I’m a middle-class white girl, and they’re my tragedies.” There were days in my life, periods in this week were I have just laid in bed thoughts rushing through my head, unbidden and unwelcome, whispering that I had been abandoned by God.

I wish I could have the faith that some of my friends seem to own with a degree of certainty that I don’t seem to have. I can look through the Bible and all I see is words that contradict each other. It bothers me that for all my years in the church (born into a Christian family and raised Christian) that I have such an issue with faith and trusting God.

But as I keep listening to this album it’s almost like God decided to start whispering answering some of those “Do you care questions?” There is a song on the album called Name and it is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard in my opinion. But its all about how God is there in the hard parts of life and how when we feel so abandoned He is there.

Another song on there that just always gets to me is called What I’ve Overcome. The band just talks about how God has taken them from who and what they’ve been and how it doesn’t own them. My past still something that I struggle with but I look back at the girl I was a year ago, I know that I have grown. And that I have learned much and learned how to love the girl I see in the mirror a bit more each day.

I know I will never have all the answers to every why question I have. If I did, my brain would explode. But I know that God has a plan for it, to be cheesy and continue with the quoting of the songs, there is a track called For Those Who Wait. And in it the lyrics say “When you’re fighting to believe In a love that you can’t see, Just know there is a purpose, For those who wait” I guess the reason why I put such stock in those words is because I know that God has a plan and everything that has happen can be used to help someone else or maybe offer comfort to others.

Now all I have to do is to continue to trust that it will work out, pray that I have the strength to hold onto my Father’s loving hands, and continue to have the courage to be open and real with the people around me.

And I think, that’s not such a bad thing. :)