Soundtrack of Why

I love music. And all types of music, so its hard for me just to stick with one cd or artist for more than a few hours before I switch to another artist or cd or playlist I’ve made. But this week I’ve been finding myself listening to the band Fireflight more and more. Specifically their cd For Those Who Wait. I’ve had the cd for more than a yearish now and I have yet to truly listen to it all that much. But over this past week I’ve found myself listening to them as my stress levels continue to increase.

Questions keep continuing to bother me while they (stress levels) continue to rise. I don’t understand how only a weekend ago I felt such peace and contentment but now, my life is in full blown stress mode as I sit here, wanting to bite my nails but I don’t have any. I wish my life didn’t always seem to toss and turn so freely from un-stress to stress mode, its like I’m being a shirt being tossed around in the dryer.Meanwhile I feel my soul crying out to God, “Why? Why now?! Why me?” Someone asks why because they seek to understand the situation or the statement that someone says.

I feel like most of my life has been just a series of why questions to God that go unanswered. I may have never known what it is like to go without meals except for when I forgot money for lunch or been forced to go without shelter but to quote Susan E. Isaacs “Mine are just middle-class white girl’s tragedies. But I’m a middle-class white girl, and they’re my tragedies.” There were days in my life, periods in this week were I have just laid in bed thoughts rushing through my head, unbidden and unwelcome, whispering that I had been abandoned by God.

I wish I could have the faith that some of my friends seem to own with a degree of certainty that I don’t seem to have. I can look through the Bible and all I see is words that contradict each other. It bothers me that for all my years in the church (born into a Christian family and raised Christian) that I have such an issue with faith and trusting God.

But as I keep listening to this album it’s almost like God decided to start whispering answering some of those “Do you care questions?” There is a song on the album called Name and it is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard in my opinion. But its all about how God is there in the hard parts of life and how when we feel so abandoned He is there.

Another song on there that just always gets to me is called What I’ve Overcome. The band just talks about how God has taken them from who and what they’ve been and how it doesn’t own them. My past still something that I struggle with but I look back at the girl I was a year ago, I know that I have grown. And that I have learned much and learned how to love the girl I see in the mirror a bit more each day.

I know I will never have all the answers to every why question I have. If I did, my brain would explode. But I know that God has a plan for it, to be cheesy and continue with the quoting of the songs, there is a track called For Those Who Wait. And in it the lyrics say “When you’re fighting to believe In a love that you can’t see, Just know there is a purpose, For those who wait” I guess the reason why I put such stock in those words is because I know that God has a plan and everything that has happen can be used to help someone else or maybe offer comfort to others.

Now all I have to do is to continue to trust that it will work out, pray that I have the strength to hold onto my Father’s loving hands, and continue to have the courage to be open and real with the people around me.

And I think, that’s not such a bad thing. :)