At work, stuff got crazy and busy and I totally forgot that I had a family dinner at my grandma’s house. So I got off of work early and decided to head to the used bookstore to just chill out for a bit. As I was driving home, I got a text from my mom (yes she texts. Parents can text. It’s not like there is a law against it.) saying that they would met me at work and then we’d take one car to my grandma’s house
Aw crap, was my first thought as I called my mom. My dad answered the phone and I said I got off of work early and went to look at the used bookstore and forgot but was on my way. Needless to say with him that was strike one. And strike two was that I was dressed in kinda grubby clothes for work. Strike three would be my nerves at dinner getting the best of me and I talked too much. So Saturday was just this whirlwind of stress for me with tons of anxiety because of all the stress and very little time just to process it.
Finally I was able to get away to journal that night, pouring out my heart to God, wondering why my life just seems to be a huge amount of stress right now. But I took up reading Psalm again and Psalm 4:8 stuck out to me as I finished prayer journalling ” In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you oh LORD, make me dwell in safety.” And with how uncertain my life has been getting in the past few weeks this verse just gave me such comfort.
I’m still learning how to trust God with everything and when new troubles come and already stir up the already choppy water of life, I get so worried that I’m going to start sinking and drowning because the problems just seem so big. But looking at that verse, I have to realize that God has got it. My Abba has a plan for all the pain and hurt that causes my life to feel like its just this endless cycle of crazy storms.
I just have to remember that in this boat, Jesus is sitting next to me and is going to calm the storms one day. I just have to continue to pray and trust that the plans He has for me is so much (and I know it is) better than anything I can plan or convince in my own mind. Because in the scheme of things, I’m only seeing just a fraction of a corner of a painting, while God he see’s the whole Sistine Chapel in its entirety.
My waters may not calm for awhile, I understand that. But James 1:2-3 seemed to pop up the past two weeks giving me a reason why my storms might be just what I need “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” – James 1:2-3″ Nobody likes pain. But we have to admit it builds character, it makes us stronger and we learn so much from it. About a month ago I remember praying God help me draw close to you. And I’ve learned to be careful for what I pray for now because I am drawing closer to God through these trials I am facing. (If you want other examples, peace today after having a really bad day yesterday, sharing a part of my story with Fusion-which related to my prayer of being more open, I could go on but I’m hoping you get the idea)
Right now all I know is that staying in the community that I’m in with Fusion, praying, and reading my Bible are the tools I need to continue to keep my boat on top of the water. Now I just need to trust that Jesus has the rest under control and will calm the storm when it fits into his plan.
And with that I leave you with these words:
We fail to see the place of suffering in the broader scheme of things. We fail to see that suffering is an inevitable dimension of life. Because we have lost perspective, we fail to see that unless one is willing to accept suffering properly, he or she is really refusing to continue in the quest for maturity. To refuse suffering is to refuse personal growth.
Henri J. M. Nouwen
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