Well, title says it all doesn’t it? But I think it deserves an explanation. This past week, one questions from my college group, FUSION, have been worming under my brain and creating an itch that I can’t seem to scratch as I pen (type) this blog. One of the questions went something like this: as we continue to grow as a community (something I am super excited to see and to be apart of!) what four things: worship, constancy, love, and authenticity, that are essential to community will you have trouble with? Staring at that question I figured, well I can always just skip that question and not answer it. But I thought about it for a while, wondering what my answer would be.
Loving others isn’t as hard for me as it is others. Maybe its because over my life I’ve had my friends be few and far (or so it feels to myself) and when I find them I learn to hang onto them as tight as I can which means showing how much I love them. Worship, well, even if I’m in a funk I find myself worshiping. Consistency? I go every week and the same with small group. But its home to me, so I’d rather be there then anywhere else a lot of the time. Which left me authenticity. The act of being authentic. The third definition for the word of authentic is not an imitation, real, actual. Following after that is being true to one’s personality, spirit, or character.
Ouch.
Owwie.
Pain. Lots of pain.
Those are very very painful definitions to read. Thinking on my life I hate it when I am lied to or my friends withhold something from me. But yet, I went through and thought it was necessary to hide the me I should’ve been proud to be. Layers of make-up helped reinforce a fake smile, while my masks were tied firmly in place. I thought that if I was loud enough, if my smile was bright enough, and if I had all the right lines (you know, I’m fine, just tried, I’m good, the weekend was crazy, school sucks…etc.) that I would get away with it. No one would know the real me, who was wounded and scarred from life.
So here I was, angry at my friends for withholding information but yet, there I was, hiding behind my loudness and smile. I still find myself doing that. Hiding behind the brashness and giving a hollow answer. Which I think leads to the moral of this story. I have a problem with authenticity. I don’t like being real with people. Give me a piece of paper I will pour pieces of my soul that haven’t seen the light in years into it but when it comes to doing that with people, you will see the dust cloud from my running somewhere very far away from the group of people.
This past month more and more “opportunities” have popped (or God has thrown my way….) up where I have to be real and have to bring the me I’ve been keeping locked away from the world. And to be honest, I am mostly hating it. But God has been laying it on my heart, that its something I need to do. Something that needs to happen and that he’s gonna use. How?
I don’t know.
I never really understand why things happen in my life until way later. But to be honest there are still things I truly don’t understand about my life. Or how things have happened and I’m still wondering why they have happened or if I could change it.
But back to the main point here, I have to stop being dishonest. I can’t keep lying to people because it harms the very sense of community I long for and want to strive to create. And to do that, I have to be honest with God. No more being half assed no more only giving him half of my heart. One of my girl friends, Danae, ( I love her to death. told me that she she finally let go and gave a whole bunch of shit up to him. And it struck me that I haven’t done that.
I’ve only given parts and thought that God and I would be okay.
Haha……right.
So now, that leaves me at the end of the first month of the new year with one of my goals staring me straight in the face but with an ammendment to it.
Be open.
But here’s the change:
Be open and be honest, even though it hurts.
Because even if it hurts, there is something beautiful out of it. The real me comes out and can be apart of the community that is around me.
“Honesty: the best of all lost arts”-Mark Twain
Those are very very painful definitions to read. Thinking on my life I hate it when I am lied to or my friends withhold something from me. But yet, I went through and thought it was necessary to hide the me I should’ve been proud to be. Layers of make-up helped reinforce a fake smile, while my masks were tied firmly in place. I thought that if I was loud enough, if my smile was bright enough, and if I had all the right lines (you know, I’m fine, just tried, I’m good, the weekend was crazy, school sucks…etc.) that I would get away with it. No one would know the real me, who was wounded and scarred from life.
So here I was, angry at my friends for withholding information but yet, there I was, hiding behind my loudness and smile. I still find myself doing that. Hiding behind the brashness and giving a hollow answer. Which I think leads to the moral of this story. I have a problem with authenticity. I don’t like being real with people. Give me a piece of paper I will pour pieces of my soul that haven’t seen the light in years into it but when it comes to doing that with people, you will see the dust cloud from my running somewhere very far away from the group of people.
This past month more and more “opportunities” have popped (or God has thrown my way….) up where I have to be real and have to bring the me I’ve been keeping locked away from the world. And to be honest, I am mostly hating it. But God has been laying it on my heart, that its something I need to do. Something that needs to happen and that he’s gonna use. How?
I don’t know.
I never really understand why things happen in my life until way later. But to be honest there are still things I truly don’t understand about my life. Or how things have happened and I’m still wondering why they have happened or if I could change it.
But back to the main point here, I have to stop being dishonest. I can’t keep lying to people because it harms the very sense of community I long for and want to strive to create. And to do that, I have to be honest with God. No more being half assed no more only giving him half of my heart. One of my girl friends, Danae, ( I love her to death. told me that she she finally let go and gave a whole bunch of shit up to him. And it struck me that I haven’t done that.
I’ve only given parts and thought that God and I would be okay.
Haha……right.
So now, that leaves me at the end of the first month of the new year with one of my goals staring me straight in the face but with an ammendment to it.
Be open.
But here’s the change:
Be open and be honest, even though it hurts.
Because even if it hurts, there is something beautiful out of it. The real me comes out and can be apart of the community that is around me.
“Honesty: the best of all lost arts”-Mark Twain
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