Trust

Trust.
All I hear is
The ringing in
My ears, and the acidic
Taste of broken promises
That came from my mouth.

Trust.
You want me
To take that step
Yet again, hand outstretched
To cast aside the past and take
Your hand in mine.

Trust
How can I
Tell you that the
Only thing holding me
Back is the girl who lives
In fear, the dark twin whose
Embrace has become home sheltering
Me from the glares that might come my way.

Trust
You stand there
Waiting saying come
And I’ll give you rest, just
Waiting for me to shrug off
The self imposed chains as I struggle
Trying to ignore the painful comfort of
My own strength and I keep falling short

Trust
The one thing
I lack as I want
To reach out, to grasp your
Hand and just hang on to you
To have a child like faith and just
Believe because you say so.

Trust
Father please
Grant me the trust
To remain in you completely.

Amen

_____________________________

Something that has been bouncing around in my head since Sunday. Totally captures the mood I’m in.

To My Child

In my ASL class Thursday, we started to learn the signs to apply to our family. And during one of the dialogs that we use to practice the signs we are learning, a question came up asking if you wanted kids. People think the automatic answer to the question for any woman would be yes. But to be honest I am hesitant. I know I want kids, I’ve felt it every time I see someone’s baby or a little kid running around my church. At the same time though, I fear that I wouldn’t be a good parent. ( Odd I’ve yet to graduate college and I’m happily single and I’m worried I won’t be a good parent…go figure *shoulder shrug*)

But it got me thinking what would I say if I could met my child for a few seconds and talk to them? Honestly I’m not sure but I think, it would go something like this poem I penned while thinking about it.

To you my child,
I write these words
Hoping they find you
In good health, or at least
You will be slightly okay, better
Than I was doing at whatever age
You find yourself reading this.

I hope you know that
I love you, that I show
It to you in new ways every
Day, because everyday before
You got here on this planet, I
Swore up and down that I would
Treat you right.

I pray that you are
Everything you want
To be, that I’ve taught you
The importance of a penny saved,
The pride of hard work, and most of
All,the endurance to chase your dreams to completion.

I know that
I hope that you
Are always smiling more
Than you are crying, for life is
Never quite as easy as we like. I pray
You never doubt the love of the Father and
The Son and that you will always be wrapped
In there love.

But most of all,
The thing I wish you
Most to know, is that I will
Love you through the playful
Summer and during gentle Fall,
On the nights of sorrowful Winter, I hold
You close whispering how much I love you, and
During gleeful Spring afternoons I’ll dance with you
Through fields, letting our laughter mingle as I yell to
The skies how much I love you.

So my child,
Where ever in time
You may be, know that
No matter what I will always love you.

Courage Lacking

I stare at you, words hanging from the inside of my teeth, ready to bungee jump into the world. Somehow I continue to hold them in place, tying the ropes in knots around the roots of my teeth, allowing the words to be swallowed back down my throat so I can choke on the emotions I am holding back. I wish I could say something.

I always hate the fact that instead of the bravery I so wantonly display as a mask, the fear I long to hide comes forth from the deepest reaches of my soul to grip my limbs in a vice. The fear of being judged pounces on my unprotected psyche, devouring it like a tiger before latching onto my limbs. They shake as if trying to escape before I press them against the scratchy fabric of my sleeves.

How can I say this to you? I want to let the words climb out of the mountain of my insides until they reach the light of day before climbing into your ears and awaking the synapses that lay in there. I wish I had boldness to scream to the world, this is my friend and I am damn proud of her. But instead I stare into the cup of coffee in front of me, letting the tiger sink her claws deeper into my cowardly lion hide that I wear.

So here we sit adrift on an open sea, arms interlocked into a hug but islands that drift further and further from each other with every second that passes because of my lack of courage.

Another Language

It’s a foreign language to me these words that tumble
Like loose change from my lips.
Shock pools in my stomach as you reply in
The same words that seemed to pour from my lips, unfamiliar and untested by my tongue
Moments ago are returned like a lost pet to my ears
Making an anxious home in my brain.

This language, so similar to me but yet
Different to the receptors in my brain making me
Wonder if I’m translating the sounds from your mouth
Correctly, the lessons of this speech l had almost forgotten
Like the smile of a long lost friend.

Yet these words I know I shall never forget
Despite how many years past as we stand in
The pouring rain, skin soaked until it seems
To be made of the water that has fallen upon it
As you move closer to me, your heat radiating like a sun.

My heart skips as if it was hip hop dancing
Sending my breath into erratic bursts as we inch closer
Wondering if this was how Juliet felt when being courted
By her beloved Romeo in fair Verona so many years ago
Under the beautiful night sky.

You speak again slowly so I can respond to
The words that are being string like pearls on a necklace
Making me feel euphoric as I struggle to keep a
Red hue from making its way across my face
As the melody of words reaches my ears like a symphony

“I love you my darling.” These words make me want
To scream to the heavens with the joy coursing through my veins
As gentle hands move my hair away from my face as you inch
Closer to my red gates, which guard the words I speak
Swallowing my fear that comes with repeating these foreign words

Back to your ears, as I open my mouth I cannot help wondering
Did Esther feel this fear as she walked into Xerxes court to rescue
Her people as I gather my breath to form the words that I
Feel a deep seated need to speak back to you
“I, I,” Hesitation creeps into my heart holding back this un-native tongue

Struggling I close my eyes before opening them
Thankful that you are smiling, hand gently docked
Against my cheek keeping the hesitation at bay as I rest my
Hand against yours before I speak again
“I love you too”

These words send a smile to my face as we
Brush our lips together sending sparks up and down
My spine that travel throughout my body until it
Lights my eyes as they shine in the cloudy landscape
Giggling you gather me into your arms, a castle protecting its princess

“I love you” Foreign words have never sounded so
Sweet and innocent as we continue to stare at each other
Slowly learning another language, love’s sweetly madding language
And the ability to make sense of its strange words



_____

And oh look a happy love poem sneaks its way into my blog. :)

Doubt

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray
For peace that never comes as my legs wrap
Sheets around them restlessly while I toss
And turn as she appears slowly next to me
Wrapped in a fine mist which slowly turns into
A body with black hair covering her face leaving
A single ice blue eye staring from behind the ebony curtain
A cruel smirk painted upon her lips.

Her eyes boring through mine, sharper than
Any dagger’s tip as words bite my soul injecting
Venom far deadly than a cobra’s that begins to
Course through my veins lighting my heart on
Fire with deadly pain.

“Liar,” she coos as finger nails slowly dig in my
Skin leaving beads of fear and anxiety rolling down
My arms like tears that I refuse to let fall
“Why do you pray?” She continues to ask, pulling
Me closer, tightening her grip as my anxiety levels
Begin to rise, my eyes frantically searching for an escape
Pleading for her to let me go

“You know you have problems,
I fear they are much too great for
Anyone to care, much less the man
Upstairs,” she purred so sweet I almost
Forgot that what came from her mouth was
A lie that I had forged in the back of my mind

She continued to hold me all through the night
My faithful companion,
Doubt never left my bed that night.

Do not write of Love

Do not write of love until you are thirty
Until you have worked the nine to five grind
And found yourself a loving mate to come home to at night
For anyone younger than that cannot understand
What passionate fires are awakened in the course of
Love so that when they write the words will not fall on deaf ears

Do not write of love until you are fourty
Until you have held a child that is yours in your arms
And torn out bits of hair in fruitless fustration at the child that you
Continue to chase around the house with jam stained cheeks.
For anyone younger than that can not understand what the protective
Love a mother feel when they go to pen the words that might be writen here.

Do not write of love until you are fifty
When your home is now silent
And it feels like your heart is slowly being rekindled to
Life by the smile that you see in their loving eyes,
While children that are yours and aren’t yours
Send in echos of playful laughter from the outside
For anyone younger than that can not understand what is like to
Fall in love with someone all over again

Do not write of love until you are sixty
And your years are well behind you as you
Sit on the porch wondering what is left of your life
Until your spouse gently coaxs you on a trip around the world
For anyone younger than that can not understand how sweet love
Becomes in age, like a fine wine they have to wait to taste.

Do not write of love until you are seventy
And standing by their grave silent as tears falling
Unchecked from eyes to water the flowers on the grave
Wondering if you could have made the time you both had last
Longer than those last few days that you were give
For anyone younger than can not understand how much it hurts to have
Loved and lost.

So my dear poets do not write of love
Youngesters have no cause to write of love
We who can be lovers, sisters, and mothers to friends and
Those who are closer than family in our young years because we
Have yet to sample its passionate fruit, its forbidden pleasures that
Sends tingles down the spine all because we are too young
To know what love truly is and fall into lust instead
Or so that is what we are told.

Therefore my dears remember as you sit with pen in hand
Waiting for a muse to gently tickle your ear and spill words
Onto your page, do not write of love for we can not truly
Know what love is yet.

__________________

So I guess this poem was just writen out of annoyance of being young and people thinking because of that I am not able to love. I know that a lot of things my age group does doesn’t inspire confidence but stop judging those of us who are mature by the low standards they have set.

Where I am from

A young marriage’s love is how I came to be

A duplex in Old Folsom with an old Oak tree out front was the first place that felt like home.

Childhood days of make believe pass through my mind as I think of my history.

I am from people who danced in pale moonlight under the Irish sky and proud warriors who chanted Poems of old around smoky fires.

Of people who pledged by saying Hial and committed murders and those who pledge neutrality

A child of mobsters and Tuscany and a race who respected Mother Earth.

This is where I am from.

I am from summer vacations to distant states and places that seemed to be heaven on earth

From thoughts of freedom and despair in equal measure

Of letting words and tear bleed from a pen and keeping a smiling face the whole time.

From condescending voices in my head telling me to do better and be the best

I am from hidden dreams that are taboo and cravings that would label me odd

From being a paradox and making perfect sense and that one song that describes me perfectly

I am from crazy car rides with six people in a VW Bug while rocking out to Seventeen Forever and hair Blowing in the breeze down Highway 50.

I am from a privileged background and yet take it for granted

From being the perfect daughter in public and the monster in private cause too many buttons have been pushed that I snap like a guitar string across your hand.

From something going right and friend’s smiles and holding on for the crazy ride of life, grinning like the Cheshire Cat all the while.

I am from making friends and being a teenager.

From growing up fast in some things and not another, learning the secret of life is making something Epic out of shit and counting your blessings and stopping to thank God that you’ve made it through Another day.

This is where I am from and I don’t have a problem with it.

Another old poem I found from a poetry promt my teacher gave me.

The party

Do you think I like the party?
Oh of course you would, that's right
I forgot. You can't see.
A black blindfold is covering your eyes
Always smiling and running with eyes closed
Like a reanimated corpse.

Do you think I like the party?
No, I absolutely without a shadow
Of a doubt, with complete certainty
I can state I
Hate
It.

Do you think I like the party?
The vile blind creatures pitifully
Stumbling back and forth like
Lost children, hiding under blindfolds
With the marks and scars of what they
Do when the lights are out displayed
For all to see as they dance like frenzied winds.
No I don't like the party

Do you think I like the party?
I am only here for you
No one else
Trying to save you, trying to make
You see, to burn away that damn cloth
That covers your eyes and stare you in the face.
To look you in the eyes and finally wonder
If you can truly see me.

Do you think I like the party?
No but I can lie better than you
Because you hate it too.

Another old poem that I'm finally getting around to posting... ^_^; enjoy :)

Orchestral Organic Missives: The Other Half of the Tango

Prelude
I want to be wrapped in you
Until I sing your song

I.
I can hear it. Your heart. It breaks the silence of the room. It beats in time with mine, trying to touch but dancing out of reach. You’re stiff but you are here. I watch. Will you speak? Do you hear me? I’m asking you to speak. I hear your roar and can’t help but smile on the inside. I will watch until you speak to me.

II.
You break the barrier. Distance isn’t an issue anymore as you weave your body into mine. I let you hold me, wrap your legs around me. You anchor me as your chin rests against my throat. I listen to your whispers as the years pass. But my world is cold at times and yet you long to understand. Your work isn’t in vain because it is hard to understand.

III.
We are separated. I dare not count the number of worlds and rules we break by just staring. They were made for a reason as I hid in my dark façade. I try to block you and the sunlight you bring out. I throw black holes and dying stars in my wake, begging you to go. But I am pleased to see that you will cross.

IV.
Gravity is broken. We both collapse, crushed and beaten by reality. Your macrocosm of aneurysms twists the sheets above and below as we both seize in wordless pleasure. My traitor tongue tries to spill the secret we seem to share. But I force it down and keep in its grave. The decay poisons and corrupts my body with your scent and spirit.

Interlude
My words are a tango, danced for your hands (your eyes) alone

Something I wrote after reading a poem online almost a year ago, so enjoy :)

House of Cards

Is our love dead?
I sit and stare out the window, rain
Gently drumming its fingertips against
The window panes while my forehead rests
Against the clammy center of my palm.
Two cups of coffee sit at our dinner table,
Rapidly cooling as I watch you staring at your back.

Is the love broken?
Can I let it go, a life time of memories
Photos splayed on the table telling of
Summers spent under apple trees with laughter
Dancing on the wind, of winters clutching each
Other in the snow as flakes nested in our hair.

My fingers slowly clutch the cup in front of me
As I stare at your back, willing you to break the
Silence that has us ensnared like prey, wishing
You would speak, letting the words I long to hear
Tumble from your lips and fanning the dying flame
In my heart.

How did this happen?
When did we become two strangers being
Perfectly excellent room mates who shared the same
Bed, tangled in sheets with our backs facing each other
When we use to be tangled in the others arms.
We pass in the hall like phantoms now
Barley aware that the other exists.

Will I take the first step?
The fights we had mar the beauty we once
Created as I stare into the murky brown liquid
Before turning away the chair scrapping against the floor
The two of us back to back as the storm rages against
The house of cards we have built

Will you take the first step?
Can I find the strength to stay
To reach out to you and hold out you,
Can you find the strength to do the same
Or will the house of cards collapse all around us?

Finally found the time to go through my poetry and start posting it on here. So enjoy :)

Trust

I don’t understand
Holding your hand tighter as the
Winds howl around me, their icy
Fingers digging deep into my flesh.

All I know is that you are there
Hoping that you hear me as I
Cry out while the storm batters me
Leaving lashes on my heart.

I know you are there
But the doubt in my mind makes
Me wonder if you truly care
As I feel my hand slow releasing
From yours.

Panic grips my heart as
The rain falls into my eyes
Blinding me as I slip on the
Hard ground, pain shooting through my body.

I want to die as I lay there
Rain soaking into seams of my soul
While shivers rack my body
And tears stream down my face.

Slowly the cold takes over my limbs
Freezing them in place until
I can barely move my fingers, twitching
As I slowly raise them upwards

And feel you grasp them sending
Warmth through my veins
As I wait out the storming knowing you’ll
Keep me safe

____________________________________________________

More poetry
When don’t I write it? :)
I guess…this is a take on Christianity and life’s shit.
Enjoy