The Price of Grace.

went and saw Reprando on Wenesday as part of the group of volunteers for the showing that is happening in our area on April 7th. And it shook me. My brain is still trying to wrap around everything that was said in there. And even then, its not even half way through processing it yet. But the thing that keeps sticking out to me from the movie, is how interwoven grace is throughout the story of the film.

Without getting into too much detail, because I want you, readers or people who even just briefly glance at this, to go and see it for yourselves. But the images of the dump keep sticking in my head and this doll’s hand just reaching out to the sky, like its waiting to be rescued from the shit that its trapped in. And that is still messing with me as the words were said when it was shown a second time “God has rescued us and now we are trophies of His grace.”

Damn.

Trophies of His grace.

Honestly, I don’t understand grace. I think no matter, how much I read, no matter how hard I try and figure it out I never will. I’m always striving to earn something it feels like in this life from my paycheck to your comments on this post or anything I put out, I feel I have to earn something to get something. It was just the way I was taught. You save A, so that you can get B, to enjoy C. That’s just how my brain was molded. So when I hear of grace and the fact all it requires is for you to let go of what you are carrying and be willing to let yourself be rescued and taught and walk as Jesus did.

I’d like to lie and say I don’t know which of those things is hardest for me. But I have to say when it comes to grace, there is no way to earn it that bothers me but not as much as the fact I have to be willing to be rescued and carried part of the way. I’m so use to being strong, of the rock/shoulder to cry on in most of my friendships. Being strong on my own gets me so far but to be secure enough to be broken and trusting God? That is the hard for me, to let go of the arrogance of thinking, I’ve got this. I can get so lost in that mindset that I try to earn grace that I forget that it can never be earned because it is not for sale. Grace can not be sold or bartered because it is a gift. A gift that I have to fully want and allow to change my life.

Because Grace isn’t just about wiping the slate clean. It’s about that and allowing that gift to help point out things that need to be changed and working on those things. And I’m still learning how to let that happen. The point of grace isn’t just to redeem but to redeem and restore. And the price for this is my surrender. I’m by no means an expert on the subject. But I think the more I strive to accept Grace and let it into my life to change me, only then will I be able to change the world. Because with my own strength, I can do nothing. With Grace and God’s strength I can be a light, I can change the world. Now all I got to do is continue to work on my growth, to remember that I can’t do it without God and his Grace.

And with that I leave you with this quote

“In efficacious grace we are not merely passive, nor yet does God do some and we do the rest. But God does all, and we do all. God produces all, we act all. For that is what produces, viz. our own acts. God is the only proper author and fountain; we only are the proper actors. We are in different respects, wholly passive and wholly active.” Jonathan Edwards

The Importance of Small Groups Part 2

Continuing this theme of small group life and community life, I would figure that I would throw another post out there about it. So here we go. I love my small group. I’m going to say it again. I love my small group ( I know that my church changed their name to growth groups but I’m fond of the phrase small group. *shrug* Tomato, Tamato in this humble blogger’s opinion ). They are all so unique and beautiful and I love being in community with them.

But sometimes in looking at them I feel like I’m woefully inadequate. My self esteem has never been the greatest in the world and loves to rear its ugly head sometimes. It’s hard for me to see positive change in my life or in my character because of that problem. I promise this will come up soon.

Anyways over the past two days, I’ve been able to hang out with people from my small group and my small group as a whole. And its been awesome. Like Tuesday. On Tuesday, I got to catch up and have dinner with my leader Sarah Kotar. It was such a blessing to talk to her and hear her advice/thoughts on the subject of forgiveness (another thing I’m struggling with. Something that I have a feeling is going to take a lot of prayer and practice) and just hang out.

Fast forward to today, I arrived at our group’s coffee meeting place, Tueplo, early and ran into Lori. After ordering something to keep me awake (the coffee is working a little bit too well), the two of us caught up a bit. It was so interesting to see how she’s grown over the past couple of months and I’m excited to see where God is taking her in her life and walk.

But over the our small group it was beautiful to hear the thoughts of everyone and even when we had our laughs because of the rabbit trails we went down on during the course of the discussion, it felt like it was where we needed to go.

However, I felt myself getting into this whole I’m not good enough for this small group when I shared how I feel like I’m re-learning a lot of how to do Christianity as a lifestyle faith choice, not an obligation or a duty. Part of me feels guilty because I was raised in church but at the same time I know being raised in church or out of it has nothing to do with Christianity. So many times in the Bible God chose people who were sinners to be apart of his plan.

Yet, I feel like my growth in re-learning things has been so limited that I get frustrated because I feel like I should be past things. But after small group, Lori and I were talking again and she said that its been great to see me grow. Which reminded me of why small groups are important. PC preached a message on encouraging one another, reminding us to spur each other on as it said in the passage he read to us.

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of spurring from my small group, which is another reason why small groups or community in general. Because sometimes, when you stare at the problems in your life its easy to get distracted. To get discouraged. But that’s why I think God placed us in community. To have people in your life to remind you when you can’t see it, that things really are changing. Because honestly I sometimes can not see my own growth or I see it in such a limited view, because of my confidence issues and my impatience (I can have patience with people but not my own growth or myself, I’m a work in progress.) But when someone points out where the heck I’ve grown, its pretty much like a light bulb going off. Because sometimes I get so caught up in my problems leaving me blind and stumbling around, I need someone to point out the fact that there is progress.

I find that is the another beauty of small groups/communities of believers. That people can come along beside each other and point others to the growth they see and encourage them to keep going forward. I just love that I’m in this place where I’m able to learn these things even if it takes me a while and a few people spurring me on to see it.

And with that I ‘ll leave you with this “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Hebrews 10:24

Peace out peeps and may God continue to guide you through this crazy wonderful life

Looking for good things

Well, I started a new challenge today. And it was all because of my big mouth. In small group I gave a challenge to my friend Shelli, and stated I never took it because I was chicken, which was to find five good things every day. I said when you look for five things to be grateful for then your attitude improves. And I told her that if after a week it didn’t work than she didn’t have to do it. But if it worked than add two more things.

It is (apparently) a way to help you realize how blessed you are in your life. And honestly, I don’t feel very blessed most of the time. Even though I’m living in one of the richest nations and doing better than most of the world, I’m struggling sometimes its feels like to just get by when crazy things in life happen. But as I walked through my day, I was surprised when I found myself finding more than five things to be grateful for.

I’m looking forward to seeing if this trend continues. I feel so thankful that I was able to make it through the first day of the challenge and now I am off to a work meeting and then celebrating a birthday of a friend :)

And now as I leave I leave you with a quote by Louis Camuti ““How you respond to the challenge in the second half will determine what you become after the game, whether you are a winner or a loser.”

Peace

On why small groups are helpful to a Christain walk

Well to be honest I wanted to write this as an academic essay and then present in ASL along with a PowerPoint but I think a blog entry will do. Ehem, moving along here, I've been apart of FUSION for almost nine months now, give or take a few days, hours, minutes, etc. And with that I've probably been apart of the girl's small group for about half of that time give or take again.

And well to continue with explaining my title, I've never really understood what a small group was until I got into this one. I mean growing up in the church and thus the youth programs, I knew what small group was. It was suppose to be a place where you got to know the people around you and in turn they got to know you. You pray for each other, helpeach other through tough times and love each other. In theory at least. For me, sadly, I never really go that connection with my peers. Partially because I wanted relationships that didn't deal with high school jokes that I didn't get and the other part is I didn't really know how to let the real me be known by people just yet. Well I'm still learning that but I'm better than I use to be....I think.... ^_^;

But with my small group now, its such a blessing to be apart of. I love being apart of the girls lives and learning more about them each time they share. Its a beautiful thing to see them as they are and where their hearts lie when they speak. At the same time though I still get freaked out by the group still. I remember the fear I felt the first time I went and the verbal spar (it was fun being devil's advocate *shrug*) I used as a way of defending myself from people trying to get to know me. To be honest I still use a lot of sarcasm and wit to throw people off. It's a little less than I use to do though, so progress : D

But slowly, bit by painful bit of bricks my walls are slowly tumbling down and leaving me uncovered to this community that God has placed me in. It freaks me out. Not gonna lie, there are moments where I don't know what everyone is thinking and that scares me. Like when I shared my story or how I shared tonight about my doubts. There were questions that made me want to pretend to get a call and go home but at the same time, growth most come at some sort of cost and it is most often pain.

This community I am in, with their questions, love, and prayers with different personalities belonging to a uniquely formed and beautiful woman of God, each of them teach me something every time we met. I'm learning from them lessons that I would've never thought of and challenges I would otherwise avoid like the plague itself. The Bible says that when we get into community our faith is strengthened. That things that are daunting and strength draining get lighter when they are shared.

Basically its like our church preaches, if you aren't in a small group we aren't living up to our full potential. Human beings are herd creatures, we seek out companionship and community, even if it seems like we don't. And in a small group, you will be challenged to grow in ways that are uncomfortable and hurt, but it's worth it. Or so I am being taught.

In the end I know I am blessed by my small group and I feel like the more involved in the group I become the more my walk will be strengthened and challenged : ) And that is the most beautiful thing about being in community I think : )