A prodigal's letter

Daddy,

That word is hard for me to write. You and I have drifted and now I'm home or close to it, sitting on the hood of my car wondering if I should walk towards the house to carry out this plan . I'm kicking my feet over the dirt that belongs to ou-your property. Now, I remember the day I ran away, throwing on my jacket before slamming the door in your face. I ignored your cries as I threw my bag into the car before driving away.

The split between us had stared long before that. I sunk out late at night to visit with the kids you told me to stay away from. We sat on the grass listening to the bands that played in the park, letting the music claw its way beneath my skin. I consumed the words of the "thinkers" as I sat in libraries, pouring over the words that lay on the shelves. I sneaked out to do these things and went behind your back but we both knew that you were aware of what I did. The way you spoke to me and the looks that you sent my way, I knew that you knew. And I hated myself all the more for the things I was doing. And for hurting you but not so much to stop myself from taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.

You never once yelled at me, but I could tell you were displeased in my choices that I was making. So one day I packed my bag and left, taking the money you had set aside for me before driving away. I barely glanced behind me as I sped off to the city. I moved into a small closet that barely counted as a bedroom while I danced the night away flaunting the freedom I had gained. Throwing clothes onto the bed as I searched for something to wear to the club that friends invited me to before finally finding the skirt that was just short enough to barely cover my ass before sliding on a top that showed too much . Slapping on heels I would walk on the street to reach the place where the club was at smirking as I got whistles, but also feeling like something wrong every time it happened. Finally I would make it to the apartment where the party was at.

The bass would shake the window pane as I leaned onto the hard brick wall before he would be in front of me. Dark hair fell into icy eyes as he pushed me further into the cold wall. Hands would pin my hands above my head as he would smirk at me. His lips would trail across my wrists before moving towards my arms as I leaned back into him. The moonlight would hit the trail he had created, angry and red as his crimson stained lips smiled at me like a Cheshire cat before capturing my own in a heated kiss. Sneaking away I would stand in the center of the dance floor allowing my body to be swayed by the people around me lost in the state of bliss he had left me in.

You would call the apartment, leaving me messages letting me know that you were waiting for me to come home. I hear the love in your voice while I slam the phone into the wall, pieces falling like shattered glass cutting off your voice. The guilt began to mount as I thought over the words you had said and of the family at home I left behind before anger sparked in the center of my being. I remembered my younger brother was the one who always made you proud with everything single thing he. A total Daddy's boy whom everyone was beholden to, with not a hair out of place at functions and always knew what to say ready to follow Dad into the family business. And I was the screw up with too many piercings and could never make up my mind when it came to my hair color while putting my foot in my mouth who was glad to get the hell out of Dodge when she did.

I continued to visit the same club ever night, while the marks on my arms got paler before fading into white lines while fresh red marks made their bed on top of the lines. I barely remember how I passed the time, pressed against the wall while my body was heating in ways that were probably illegal in several states while lips latched onto my body. Shivers crawled up my spine as I briefly lost myself in the bliss that was over-loading my brain. Lips attached themselves to my neck as long hair tickled the edges of my fingertips that fiddled with the ties around a slim neck. I could feel part of me praying that the moment will last and the guilt that haunts my waking dreams will disappear but the pleasure quickly faded like cotton candy in a child’s mouth

I don’t remember how long it took me to finally leave but I just couldn't take the music pounding in my ears anymore. My lease was up as I had run out of cash and sleeping on friends’ couches, sometimes a park bench. My stomach constantly rumbled while the town was slowly covered in a thin blanket of snow, the cold weaving in and out between the holes in my jacket and shoes. Wrapping my arms around myself I trudged through the city desperate for a job that could bring in just a little money so I could get a bite to eat.

Finally an old dinner owner must have taken pity on me. I stumbled into his place, dirt under my fingernails, holes in my clothes, and matted hair. Sitting at a table and blinking several times under the harsh lights, I stared at the menu stomach growling. Mumbling that I would have a coffee I counted the change in my pocket seeing if I had enough for it. All I had was twenty-five cents and decided to ditch once I had finish the coffee. Slowly I sipped the warm coffee as it flowed through my veins until it was gone. Pushing myself from the table my fleet slapped against the tile as a man stopped me.

"Hey now, whatta bout that bill?" He asked, white hair sticking out from a pony tail as his bony hand rested on my arm as his fingers gripped the fabric of my coat with surprising strength.

"Well I was just about to pa-"

"Nah you weren't" Brown eyes stared into my own. "Now whatta we gonna do with you." In a few short minutes I was put to washing dishes and five hours later I got a hand full of bills and told to come back at noon the next day. It wasn't enough for the Ritz but it put me up in a motel for the week along with a pizza for dinner and breakfast. The days turned into weeks until it was summer again. Heat rolled over the buildings in waves drowning everyone in sweat as I sat in my room at the motel after work letting the AC cover me in a cool blanket. The TV was on noise barely making any sense as I was zoning in and out. Suddenly the name of your company caught my attention as I sat up. You were running a hiring ad.

My eyes were drawn to the ad as I saw workers laughing, smiling, and truly enjoying their jobs. I knew that you had always made sure that your workers were taken care of while paying them fairly. And here I was, sitting in a rundown motel with a job that in all likely-hood would soon be gone as the old man had decided to sell the place to a chain that was buying up dinners left and right.

"Maybe...maybe its time to go home." I whispered to the room. You wouldn't want me back as your daughter...I had done too much to be forgiven by the man who loved me so much but maybe, maybe you would have some compassion and let me work for your company. And if I worked hard enough then maybe one day you’ll forgive me. Throwing what few clothes I had left (the rest were stolen or sold for food money) into my bag, I headed out towards my car and hopped in. The drive home maybe took three hours but yet, it felt like an eternity to me. I made it to the gate of ou-your home when the car finally broke down and I began to write this letter to you in an attempt to gather the courage I so desperately lack at this moment.

I'm wondering if I should even follow through with this plan. The road towards the house is staring at me as I pen these words. A flash of movement catches my eye as I see a chair moving on the porch with you sitting in the chair. The words to finish this letter fail me....all I have to say is, Daddy I'm coming home.
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"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.21 "The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. 22 "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate." Luke 15:20-24

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Just my take on the Prodigal Son.

Trust

I don’t understand
Holding your hand tighter as the
Winds howl around me, their icy
Fingers digging deep into my flesh.

All I know is that you are there
Hoping that you hear me as I
Cry out while the storm batters me
Leaving lashes on my heart.

I know you are there
But the doubt in my mind makes
Me wonder if you truly care
As I feel my hand slow releasing
From yours.

Panic grips my heart as
The rain falls into my eyes
Blinding me as I slip on the
Hard ground, pain shooting through my body.

I want to die as I lay there
Rain soaking into seams of my soul
While shivers rack my body
And tears stream down my face.

Slowly the cold takes over my limbs
Freezing them in place until
I can barely move my fingers, twitching
As I slowly raise them upwards

And feel you grasp them sending
Warmth through my veins
As I wait out the storming knowing you’ll
Keep me safe

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More poetry
When don’t I write it? :)
I guess…this is a take on Christianity and life’s shit.
Enjoy

If only God did Fed-ex

"But as for me, I am poor and needy;

come quickly to me, O God.

You are my help and my deliverer;

LORD, do not delay."-Psalm 70:5

I think Psalms is my fave book of the Bible, besides Job. In it you see the fullness of human emotions played out in poetry. I came across Psalm 70 in my small group the other day and while reading it I was struck by the clear tug a war David seems to have in the psalm. He understand that he is in desperate for God's help but at the same time he wants it to happen now. When I shared the verse with my group I said it reminded me of me because there are days were I want God to hurry up and send the blessing or help that I need.

But I think that the moment I start thinking that is the moment I begin to trust God less. My college pastor was talking about trust this last week and asking us what we thought about it. I stated that when we placed limits on God its like placing the trust fall game and continually looking back to make sure that someone is there, that isn't trust. It's telling the person who is going to catch you (hopefully, sometimes our friends can be jerks sometimes, but lets hope they aren't) that guess what I don't trust you. So why do we do that with God?

I admit I'm guilt of it. And the reason why is I am afraid. Why am I afraid though?

Because the moment I close my eyes and let myself fall back I will be giving up control and human beings aren't too good at letting go of what little control we have. The tighter I've hung onto something the worst things get for me. It's better to let go in the end. Even though it hurts, I know God has something better in mind for me.

Maybe use having to wait for the help we need or the blessing that we could use is for us to learn how to let go, by closing our eyes and falling back into the arms of God. Granted I'm still learning how to do that but....

When we fall back and into his arms, isn't it worth it? Because we have the guy who has the universe running on his say so to watch over us. And I think that has to be worth it.

Hewbrews 10:23 "Let us hold unsewervilingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Blessings

Eph. 4:28- Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

For many a habit is an unconscious twitch that has been developed over time by a conscious repetition of the twitch. It always makes me laugh when someone wonders why a habit takes so long to break (Insert me laughing at myself for the days were I wonder why I can’t stop using hand motions when I talk) But sometimes habits are destructive, destroying our lives because they mutate into addictions. And for some they never truly get over that, its always around the corner haunting them. Others are struggling to get out of it. I was reading a book the other day and it talked about Eph. 4:28 (if you want to read it look up) It brought up an interesting point about the verse and about what Paul says. He simply does not say stop sinning you idiot its killing you! Instead he says hey, all you all who like to sin guess what stop it but you just don’t stop it. Do something in the time that you use to sin and do the action that harmed you and your relationship with God, that helps others. Do something that brings glory to God while you are getting over this so that you can show people how good God is.

I think Paul pointed out something about human beings in this one verse. We tend to get fixated on something and we go after it with this ferocity that surprises ourselves sometimes. But Paul is saying to take that energy where we were killing ourselves (because literary or emotionally or spiritually or in a mix of the two sin does that to us…figured you would want to know) and put it towards good to something that will glorify God. But there’s also something practical in that order besides doing something for God (because we as human beings, I’ve discovered need a little bit of prodding on the earthly to make something happen most of the time) in this statement. When you do one thing, you focus on it. You block out all the rest of the world (sometimes) in an effort to get it done. So when Paul says stop stealing and do something useful, it’s a way to keep you distracted until a new better habit forms.

So what does all this mean? It means be a blessing. Do something good. And guess what you don’t have to go half way around the world to do that. When I was talking with my small group about this verse I said I wanted God to place me in a place where I can serve. A dear friend of mine pointed out that I can be a blessing around me and I need to focus on that as well. I practically lived that out tonight as I made brownies for our group but only a handful of us showed. We were sitting in a coffee shop and I shared the brownies with three other people there (two of which were the baristas who made me a very nice mint tea) It felt great to watch their smiles as they enjoyed the brownies (Also it helped me feel like I can actually cook… XD) I hope…no pray that I have more opportunities like that soon. But the thing is if you try to bless others without God in your life, I’m not going to say its not going to work but I doubt it will be as effective. If you are going to do something to bless others remember like a lamp that isn’t plugged in, you can’t do it well without God flowing through you ( a semi-direct quote from that dear friend of mine).

So my reader here is something to ponder while you either close this or comment on the words that I have written (I encourage the second option more than the first)

1) How can you bless others? What do you do that makes people feel refreshed and happy?

2) Are you willing to be that blessing to the part of the world that God has placed you in?

You don't fix faith

What would happen to Christianity if we let faith fix us and the world around us?

Change

The winds of change are blowing towards me and stirring my soul. Now comes the chance to take a step forward or back as uncertainty is holding me close. I feel the restlessness dancing under my skin as I stare at the ledge. Back and forth I teeter wondering if I can really do this, if I can change or will I be suck here in this darkness that has become my home for so long. Unsure if I am ready, unsure if what I am wanting to do is right.
My trust is shot but yet I stand slowly reaching my hands praying that you'll guide me through the night that I am facing hoping that the night will grow shorter as I continue to trust. I'm unsure of where this road will lead I have so many doubts, questions, thoughts that have yet to have answers. I'm fearful that I will fall again and not be able to get up but I know I am free falling already. And I need you to catch me and help me get to the place I long to be.
So here I am posed for the first step I just to let go and fall into your arms. So why can't I find the courage that I need to let go and start the process. I know you are there so help me take the step I need to start on the path home.

Reminders

Of how the most High and others see me. I pray that someday I'll believe the words that are there

A look in the mirror

I took this photo a few months ago. But yet the photo tells you more about me than a thousand posts could. My college pastor like I posted a week ago I think, was talking about how we are all actors. I’ve taken a look at myself in the mirror these past weeks and what I see is a girl with a mask on her face like the photo I have there. I’m not sure when it became second nature to wear it everywhere or to swap it out one mask for another that was more suited for the situation. But what I do knew is that life taught me how to wear them because it said that there was something wrong with me, as it bruised me over and over again until I decided enough was enough and started to hide my fears and everything that was undesirable under the mask.

Now I look in the mirror and want to change myself, to slowly take off the mask like I’m doing in the photo and starting to let the real me show, bit by bit. There are parts of me I don’t like, parts I would rather disappear forever, but they are still a part of me just as much as my eyes or the finger tips that are pounding away on the key board. I need to start accepting who I am as God made me, even if it seems like I’m not good enough to be that girl. I know this isn’t going to happen over night, but someone once told me baby steps. And for now baby steps, seem like the right way to go.

Stand in the Rain

She beckons me by tapping the window
Lightly hitting the roofing tiles as she
Prances to the edge of roof before leaping
To the ground below, making a light slapping sound
Before she howls as loud as the wind at me

"Come down," She calls as she taps the window again
"Come down and play." I head the call as I step through
The window as the wind runs its fingers through my hair
Tossing it back and forth as I lower myself to her height
Staring into her gray eyes as she smiles at me.

"Will you dance?" Confusion flashed across my face
Causing a gentle smile to blur the color in her eyes as
Cold finger tips gently touched my face,
"Will you dance?" She asks once more before beginning
To move as she sways from side to side
Her feet gently gliding over the ground

She dances before my eyes keeping me
Hypnotized as she gently reaches out with
Icy fingers grabbing a hold of heated skin as
I slowly begin to step back
"Will you dance?" The question is whispered
As she stares at me before I slowly move
Cooling limbs into action as my bare feet smack
The ground as I twirl

My vision blurs as I feel the rain fall against my face
Hearing her gentle laughter in my head as
I feel the drops fall against my skin before descending
To the ground below to cover my feet as it cleans
The earth underneath my soles filling my nose
With the scent of freshness

I slowly stop twirling as I fall to my knees
Letting the rain wash over me as I pray for it
To carry me away to some far off place
Not caring that my limbs have grown long since cold
As icy as molten tears scald my face as longing
To shed the mortal coil that is restricting me in place
Being denied the chance to disappear leaving
Behind the life that holds no chance of becoming as
Clean as the ground under me

The only thing that I am thankful for
Is that the rain gently embraces me as
She hides my tears from the world.


Its been raining where I live for the past two days. I love rain because it makes everything clean but sometimes I wish I could erase my past like the way rain does dirt on a sidewalk but it won't happen.

Now on blogger more often and prayer

So most everyone I know does a Blogger or a wordpress. I am thankfully cool enough to do both ;)
Which means I need to update this with my last post on my wordpress. I'll be posting more stuff more often so enjoy :)
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So I decided that I would post my prayer for this week. I think because maybe out there somewhere will be someone who has the same prayer and know that they aren't alone.

Father,

Guide my steps, keep me close to you but most important grant me a heart that will trust you no matter what and that is willing to begin the process of letting things go. Help break the glass walls that are like a steel trap for my soul so that I may finally start to be real and open with the world and people around me. But Father hold me close so that I might not lose the courage to change the things about me that need to be changed. Thank you for the blessings I have been given and open my eyes to see them all. In your name,

Amen

Proving a sheep skin can be soaked & become totally dry again

Okay the odd title comes from the story of Gideon in the Bible and from what I remember he tested God by making him soak a sheep skin and keeping the grass around it dry, to see if he should go to war. Then after that happened that if God made the grass wet and the sheep skin dry then he would go to war.

Lately the past month from the middle of July unto now, has been job hunting. Which for a person who has little job experience and just starting out in the world, is a huge pain in the rear. I can say I have between that time applied to sixty plus places, realistically. If I’m just guessing, I’d say it felt more like a hundred. My father decided that as I was living under his roof that he ordered me to get up by seven, job hunt on the internet until eight or nine then go out and get paper applications and fill those out.

Point is, somethings happened due to the social contract and my behavior, prompting my father to give the Coast Guard my number to have them leave a message on the day of my interview for a company in my town. Needless to say I was unhappy.( The whole thing about the Coast Guard is its my parents idea of getting me to learn motivation and responsibility in a controlled environment…..not very happy with that statement.)

Anyways I go to my interview at the company with ten minutes to spare and this wonderful woman leads me to the interview area, helping me smile and laugh (God totally sent her I think to help me keep calm. ) I sat on the bench they had as I waited and prayed that I would get the job and God would help me stay calm. I go into my interview and hand the manager my resume who looks over it and says, oh you go to this church? I reply yes I do. And she says, me too I just love the senior pastor. Totally a God thing right there and that we clicked right off the bat during the interview and setting it up (we kept missing each other and played phone tag)

So after she does the interview and lets me ask any questions I have, she offers me a job.

At 8.50 an hour, for a first job.

All I could say was thank you Jesus and yes I will take it.

God totally answered one of the major prayer requests in my life. As for the rest, all will happen in good time.

So excited for my job I cant wait

School starts again soon, and I’m doing Tuesdays and Thursdays leaving the rest of the week open for work and the ability for me to go to my college small group that I have yet to attend but hopefully will soon

Other than that life is good, other than the elephant poem is still very much my life in one relationship. That’s on the prayer list.

Oh well, must run. Will post some more poetry or ramblings here soon.

Bye!

Who I am

So who am I? I don't know if anyone will ever read this. I'm hoping that no one does but also I think I am hoping that they will as well. Simply put, I am flawed. Okay maybe that's a little bit too simple. Right now, I'm just a girl who doesn't understand where my life is and how it got there. I'm very flawed. Plain and simple. I love my dog that just decided to come up to me and kiss my nose.
People have told me that I will be a great mom because of how much I care for people and how good I am with them. But my deepest fear is to be a parent. Odd right? The reason why is because my family isn't smooth, my parents are good people but we clash way too much. I'm too artistic for them and that's ok. It's hard for my close friends to understand me too.
I'm terribly insecure and I've tried almost everything to fix it. But I don't ever want to take pills for anything because they will kill you quicker than a car accident. But I'm learning flaws and all that I am lovable. And it's a lesson I have to learn and remember each day.