Comfort Zones abandoned: Part 1

A week ago, I had told my “trust party” that I have shared part of my story and do not wish to for a long while. Sharing the small part I did, it was painful for me. It was scary. Part of the comfort zone that I had built over the period of 6 years that I have used to built my walls as well was stripped away. It left a slowly healing scar free to air and heal from the bandages that I had created to cover it which only left it to fester.

As I was at work this Friday while on break I had received a text message from Facebook. And in it, it contained a message from PC who asked me to trim down my “I AM NOT YOUR LUNCH!” post and share it with our college group, FUSION. My first reaction was, what the hell????!!!! The second thing and I said this out loud while looking up at the ceiling, “I hate you so much at this moment God but I still really love you. But I hate you right now.” (I swear my relationship with God is soooo weird at times, but I love him and He loves me :)

Anyways my first message in reply was, “Ummm, what do you want filed down and read?” Quickly followed by “This is in no way a yes on my part. I would like to know what I might be getting into.” Yesh, can’t you tell I really don’t like to share any part of myself with others (And yet, I expect people to be straight with me…..such an oxymoron) The next thing I did was send a message to my friend Lori ( follow her here http://lorileilani.wordpress.com/) that PC had asked me to speak (The exact wording went like this: Ah! PC asked me to share on sunday and I have no idea what to say in reply to his question)

She called me a little while later to ask me what he exactly wanted to share and I told her about my blog post about winter retreat. Lori encouraged me to share, saying it would be a great opportunity for me. To which I replied, alright I’ll message him back and say yes. I stated I would go through the post and cut it out a lot of stuff leaving me with two pages of how I felt about the retreat and what happened. I shipped it off to PC and began to worry.

And for me, I can worry and worry and worry until it morphs into a restless anxiety that seems to transform my heart into a drum and my hands into dancers as they shake all over the place. But that wouldn’t happen until later in the night. Most of the worry just felt like a stone that was lodged in my gut, weighing my whole body down. At church Sunday morning I ran into Faythe who knew what I was speaking and that I was nervous. We joked that I could be like a puppet and she would just speak for me. :) But we talked about getting together for coffee tomorrow (technically today by the time I post this) before we parted ways until Fusion later tonight. Thankfully as I kept getting worried, my brother and I were able to hang out before Fusion and do some shopping which was really fun and helped me get my mind off of a lot of the stress that has happened over the past week, and the anxiety of speaking in front of everyone later the night. Finally after running around, I grabbed my notes for my speech thingy and hopped into the car to get into Fusion. I toyed with the idea of grabbing some Starbucks but I realized that I was already nervous and the amount of caffeine that is in a Peppermint Mocha would make it worse.

As I was thinking about why I was so anxious while driving to Fusion, it was because I was so afraid of being judged. Like Sarah Long shared at the retreat, she was scared of what others thought of her when she spoke or do something. Even though I wear bright colors or jewelry that I make or even my ear cuff that has two piercings connected to it or my hair dangles, I am very much afraid of people. I am afraid of their thoughts about me and if I will be well liked. Am I a people pleaser? Yes, very much so at times. I want people to like me because I want to be accepted for who I am.

At Fusion, I was still a little nervous as I kept reading over my notes being very anti-social. Walking towards the bathroom to try and make myself look decent before I got in front of the whole group I ran into PC. He stated that he wanted to have me join him and the student leaders (whose ranks include Mary, Lori, Tina, Brian, Spencer, Sarah Long, and Marcos.) in prayer and to talk about how the night would go. In the group I couldn’t help but feel a little bit out of place at that moment but ignored it so I would know what the heck was going to happen. I would talk after worship led by Spencer with Tina and Marcos helping. And then PC would talk. More worship and then we would all head off to coffee.

As we prayed I found myself repeating the prayer in my heart that I had been praying all day “God, I have no idea what I am doing. I know that these words are just words unless you do something. I pray that you allow the Holy Spirit to take these words and use them for your glory.” Walking back towards our meeting place arm in arm with Mary we ran into Faythe and Lori. Quickly I snatch a hug from Faythe, hoping it would help quell the anxiety that I was feeling. She offered to go up with me and be my support but I let my pride answer and say I got it.

During worship my stomach decided to begin doing an acrobatic circus which blew into a full blown Hollywood stunt set as PC got up and began to talk about the winter retreat. My heart was beating a rapid tempo in my chest. It felt like it was taking a sledgehammer against my chest to get out in an attempt to stop me from speaking. People said afterwords I looked confident but I felt anything but as I opened my mouth to begin speaking. But once I began speaking the anxiety slowly faded as the words began to tumble out of my mouth.

I knew what I had written and went a little off script in some places, adding humor and a few thoughts I didn’t throw into my blog. It was weirdly comforting to speak in front of everyone and tell about how it felt to open up to the people in my trust group and how I need to be open with the people in my life and God. As I sat down I realized that Faythe recorded me speaking and she promised to email me it, so that will be the part two of this little series. How many more entries will it span? I don’t know. We’ll see ;)

But as the night ended, Dan (from the trust party) had come up to me thanking me for sharing. I told him that I felt so nervous and that I’m glad he enjoyed it. He then proceeded to tell me how it was ironic that I shared that I didn’t think I would be able to share my story for a long time but here I was, sharing my reaction to the weekend before. And I realized that through PC, God was pushing me out of one of my major comfort zones. Webster defines a comfort zone as “the level at which one functions with ease and familiarity”. And the level that I function at ease with is being a very walled individual that few people (unless they are stubborn enough or have the patience of a saint combined with Gandhi’s level of patience as well) ever get through.

So having to share my thoughts and feelings about something that I have gone through recently, that is way outside of my comfort zone. One could argue that if I didn’t want to share I shouldn’t have blogged it. Just as they can argue if some other speaking gig comes out of this blog and I didn’t want to speak about it I wouldn’t of blogged it. And yes, that argument is very true and wins over anything I can come up with to rebut it. But by writing that blog, I was setting in motion an answer to a prayer that I made a week ago in which I said “God I want to be more open help me.”

And by speaking in front of Fusion, in front of friends and strangers tonight, I gained something. I gained a bit of freedom that I have been longing for almost as bad as water after walking home during the summer heat. I’ve taken a step to abandoning my comfort zones and while I am terrified of leaving, I know that there is something better waiting for me. Something that my Abba Father is just waiting to bless me with at some point. But to get there, I’ve got to continue stepping out. To be open with those who are around me and to the God who loves me. And I find myself grinning at the excitement of where this journey will lead and pray that I will have the strength and trust to continue.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ” Jeremiah 29:11