Public Stories

I find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. It will a year and a half in June when I decided to make a promise to myself in dingy public school bathroom that I would crawl out of the rock bottom I had put myself in. I made the same promise to a friend a few days later. Looking back, this past year and a half I find things about me that have changed and haven't changed. The things that haven't changed are somewhat obvious to me and probably to others. I still love musicals, have blue eyes, my height hasn't changed, I still want three tattoos and have them planned out, want to dye my hair new colors every few weeks, and still live at home.

But other things have changed. My hair is longer, the color changed from brown to black, I go to college, & find myself, for the first time in a long while, starting to love me, flaws and all. But I realize with all the change I've gone through this past year and a half parts of my life and story haven't.

I still find myself hiding my story & the reminders or evidence of it. I have scars from myself and others that very few people have ever seen. Because of Fusion, the college group I go to, I learned how to share my story but I still hid a lot of it. I recall in January PC asked me to share about our Winter Retreat and my experience. The theme was sharing our stories and a lot of the walls I built to protect myself from people's judgments about my past and the choices I made, started to tumble down. But when PC asked me to share about that I realized I didn't want to share again (in PC's defense however, I really shouldn't have posted it on here if I didn't want to share. The lesson has still not been learned apparently if I'm doing stuff like this....) but I did it anyways. I stood up in front of Fusion and shared what my weekend looked like and how it felt to share parts of a story I didn't want (I still feel this way about my story some days)

Enough though in January I shared part of my story with Fusion and later told my small group the whole story I'm still fairly private about it. And even though I shared my story with my small group I still try to hide it the best I can. I refer to my past in general terms, keeping as many details out as I can because I don't want people to know I still don't have it quite all together. Is it a pride thing? Yes. Because for the longest time I was the one who had to be strong for my friends. So for me not to have it all together or pretending to, it bothers me. Something I'm working on, yes.  And I feel like if I don't give a name to the struggles from my past they go away. Clearly not the case but hey, can't fault a girl for trying.

But PC said something last night that is going to stay lodged in my brain for the next few weeks while I figure out what to do with it.

My story is not my own  he pointed out.

My story is connected to your story, just like you are connected to my story.

And then it hit me. The more I hide my story, the more harm I do to the community/congregation that Fusion is trying to build. Because if my story is tangled up in your story, who am I to try and take that away from you? If I hide my story from the people I want to be close with and to use a church term "live life with"  it defeats the whole purpose because you aren't getting to know the real me, flaws and all.  And if you don't know the real me, how can I be close to you.

Building a community/congregation is painful. I know I'm not going to like parts of it and will get hurt by something or someone down the line but there will be parts I love and will embrace fully. And to be a part of this process my story has to be out in the open. I can no longer pick and chose what I wish you to know. I must be open and honest with you and with myself about my past.

So here is my challenge to you who read this blog:

Encourage me, ask me questions, get to truly know me. And in return let me do the same with you.