Public Stories

I find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. It will a year and a half in June when I decided to make a promise to myself in dingy public school bathroom that I would crawl out of the rock bottom I had put myself in. I made the same promise to a friend a few days later. Looking back, this past year and a half I find things about me that have changed and haven't changed. The things that haven't changed are somewhat obvious to me and probably to others. I still love musicals, have blue eyes, my height hasn't changed, I still want three tattoos and have them planned out, want to dye my hair new colors every few weeks, and still live at home.

But other things have changed. My hair is longer, the color changed from brown to black, I go to college, & find myself, for the first time in a long while, starting to love me, flaws and all. But I realize with all the change I've gone through this past year and a half parts of my life and story haven't.

I still find myself hiding my story & the reminders or evidence of it. I have scars from myself and others that very few people have ever seen. Because of Fusion, the college group I go to, I learned how to share my story but I still hid a lot of it. I recall in January PC asked me to share about our Winter Retreat and my experience. The theme was sharing our stories and a lot of the walls I built to protect myself from people's judgments about my past and the choices I made, started to tumble down. But when PC asked me to share about that I realized I didn't want to share again (in PC's defense however, I really shouldn't have posted it on here if I didn't want to share. The lesson has still not been learned apparently if I'm doing stuff like this....) but I did it anyways. I stood up in front of Fusion and shared what my weekend looked like and how it felt to share parts of a story I didn't want (I still feel this way about my story some days)

Enough though in January I shared part of my story with Fusion and later told my small group the whole story I'm still fairly private about it. And even though I shared my story with my small group I still try to hide it the best I can. I refer to my past in general terms, keeping as many details out as I can because I don't want people to know I still don't have it quite all together. Is it a pride thing? Yes. Because for the longest time I was the one who had to be strong for my friends. So for me not to have it all together or pretending to, it bothers me. Something I'm working on, yes.  And I feel like if I don't give a name to the struggles from my past they go away. Clearly not the case but hey, can't fault a girl for trying.

But PC said something last night that is going to stay lodged in my brain for the next few weeks while I figure out what to do with it.

My story is not my own  he pointed out.

My story is connected to your story, just like you are connected to my story.

And then it hit me. The more I hide my story, the more harm I do to the community/congregation that Fusion is trying to build. Because if my story is tangled up in your story, who am I to try and take that away from you? If I hide my story from the people I want to be close with and to use a church term "live life with"  it defeats the whole purpose because you aren't getting to know the real me, flaws and all.  And if you don't know the real me, how can I be close to you.

Building a community/congregation is painful. I know I'm not going to like parts of it and will get hurt by something or someone down the line but there will be parts I love and will embrace fully. And to be a part of this process my story has to be out in the open. I can no longer pick and chose what I wish you to know. I must be open and honest with you and with myself about my past.

So here is my challenge to you who read this blog:

Encourage me, ask me questions, get to truly know me. And in return let me do the same with you.

Chimera

A Chimera, according to Greek mythology, was a being that had the body of a lion,with the hooves of a goat, and a snake for a tail. It’s a being that isn’t suppose to function but yet it does. The word chimera has been popping up in my life lately. It’s the name of the dance company I am trying to start along with the name of the photography business/studio I want to one day open/start. But lately I’ve discovered I am a bit of a Chimera myself. I can see you sitting there saying, wait, what, you’re a lion with a snake and hooves for feet?

No. But I shouldn’t function with how many conflicting interests and ideals I have but I do. I can’t explain it but my love of music, photography, theater, and writing along with my passion for creating and doing those things seem to blend together and function when I being creating something. I find myself with a personality and interests that should clash but they don’t.

For the longest time I was unable to accept that I may have interests and passions that shouldn’t cross over but they did. It left me in an odd place when it came to friendships. I would go on about how I liked one thing that my friends and I were interested in but would cross it over with something else they weren’t interested in left me on the fringes of that group. But now, I realized something today with PC.

I am happy with being a Chimera. I’m content with the personality and interests I have. And the reason why is because through Fusion and my first year of college, I’ve met people who have seen all the things I like and accept me for it, even if they don’t like it themselves. And its an amazing place to be.

So to all the Chimeras of the world who are feeling down and out, I want to tell you something. It does get better. While it may hurt now and its dark where you are, know that the sun always rises in God’s perfect timing. Just keep creating and being who you are because you will be accepted one day. Peace out lovelies

Who,not what, I am

It's no secret that America loves labels. It's been a part of our history and has taken over our culture. My friend Zack talked tonight how our culture defines us by what we do while God instead defines us by who we are. And the funny thing is we let ourselves do this and carry over into our journey with Jesus.

I'm guilty of it, sometimes I feel like I do it more than most. I find myself allowing others and myself to define my worth by what I do, instead of the woman God has created me to be. I feel like at 19 I have let this practice rule my life. I let the labels become costumes I can hide in. Parts that I can use to hide the woman who isn't quite sure what to do with herself yet. 

These last few weeks have been tough for me. I've been having to look in the mirror and examine my life and think to myself "is this truly what my life is suppose to look like?" I am coming face to face with parts of me that I would rather stay buried, never to be seen or heard from again. Why? Because they prove that using labels as disguses or ways to be liked hasnt worked.  And its hard for me to accept that fact because it means everything I've worked at is all a little bit pointless, don't you think? So where does that leave me?

It leaves me with a place to grow, a place to learn to love who I am, the girl who loves performing, creating, writing, laughing singing, being with friends and family, and most important hanging out with Jesus and learning more about him and myself as I follow and abide in him. But how will I do that? The same way I learn anything about my other friends or people I admire. Ill hang out and Facebook stalk Jesus. Now you're thinking wait Facebook stalk Jesus, you are tripping more than you normally do. But when you Facebook stalk someone you are trying to learn more about them, in a rather creepy fashion, but you want to know everything about them. And to be honest despite 15 years of growing up in the church and being able to understand it, I have a rather shallow and poor view of Jesus. So now, its time for
Me to be serious about my relationship with him. I need to stop passing him by in the hallways of my church and barely paying attention as I read my bible or pray. I need to actively engage in the relationship instead of trying to take and give only a little in return. Instead of holding back the things that keep me awake and worry me I need to let them slip through my fingers into his hands. And that includes my dreams and plans for the future. Will it be easy? No, it's a learning process. After all Michaelango didn't sculpte David overnight (by the way I have seen the actual David statue) But nothing ventured nothing gained ^_^

So my friends, if you are reading this, here's me getting ready to take the leap into abiding. more than likely I will stumble, I'll get bruised and wonder why I am doing this but...…that's ok. I am only human. But I have a savior and a loving father willing to help me back up when I stumble along with an amazing community who is willing to spur me on and help me focus on abiding. So here we go gang, time to dive in. Care to join me?

Passions that encourage

I have been taking two dance classes this semester. I've been taking modern dance and urban hip hop at my college. And I have to say it's been interesting to dance two completely different styles of dance. At the same time it was so much fun to be apart of both dances. 
I made a few friends and learned a lot about myself through the classes.

I learned that I'm actually a decent if not semi good dancer when I have choreography to learn and perform. I also got reminded how much I miss anything related to theater and performing in general. I was discussing this with one of the girls in my class and how I was upset that there is only one dance company on campus and that while I have experience from other shows, I don't have the background required to be apart of the dance company. We came up with a solution that surprises me. Hopefully, if we can get the dance director to agree, we are going to start another company. One that focuses more on telling a story through dance instead of technique. Im not sure what's going to happen with that but at the same time I really want it to work out.

But I also was asked by three girls in my modern class to craft hair dangles (think those things Johnny Deep wore in his hair during Pirates of the Caribbean). So I did it and people who weren't even in our class came over and told me that I need to set up a booth at a local art event or begin to sell them on the internet. Those comments gave me some things to think about but at the same time it was amazing how much of a blessing it was to hear that people liked my stuff and thought I could make money off of it.

Tonight was such an encouragement to me. I may have only danced in two numbers but I was told that I was a great photographer, artist, and jewelry maker as well. It also pointed out to me that performing is what I want to do for years to come. Just like writing I feel a connection to the stage that is hard to describe. I feel like its home to me, a place like my small group or Fusion, the real me is able to come out and be loved.

I feel the same with dance. I may not be the most amazing dancer in the world but I feel like it is yet another place where my voice is allowed to come through. What does all this mean for my life? I don't know. I'm learning that stuff like this deserves a lot of prayer and thought. But it makes me excited  to see where these passions are going to take me. And I think that's where I need to be for the moment.

Anyways my darlings, enjoy your night and see you soon : )

Pruning and glorious messes

When I was younger I remember my mother had a huge garden. In it we had a beautiful world full of flowers and life that was fun to be around. I remember too that she had a few rose plants that I would watch her cut down to a few main branches before leaving them. I'd watch as she water and care for what seemed like a dead twig in the ground for the months leading into spring.
Finally as spring came I can recall watching in fascination as branches and buds along with leaves began to turn the root into something beautiful as the buds bloomed into roses that colors ranged from a light pink to a deep ruby red.
Why am I bringing this up? Because these past few weeks we've been talking in Fusion about remaining in Christ and abiding in the vine like he calls us to do in John 15. And to be honest I've heard it before in church how we need to continue to remain in God or we cant make it in  this life. It's just too much that we can't handle or make happen on our own. It's impossible to handle this crazy life on our own. And to handle it I thought we had to remain in Christ which meant that all I had to do was show up on sundays and worship while reading my Bible daily and praying and serving others occasionally. 
But it's more than that. It also says in John 15 that God like my mom did will prune the vine so it can bare fruit. Just like my mom knew the rose bush wouldn't sprout anything unless she trimmed away the dead growth so to does God know we don't grow without work. 
That's where I find myself at the moment. It's fall in my life and God is trimming away dead growth. I feel terrified. Change is always scary and hurt in a way but that doesn't make it any else beautiful to me. But as I was saying without God pointing out the things in my life preventing me to be the best example I can be I would be screwed. There would be no growth. I'd be stuck as a dead shrub not a shrub who will eventually reach spring and bloom.
Until then I have to relearn a lot of stuff and it feels crappy like I'm getting no where. Growing is painful but here I am a glorious mess learning how to abide in her Father and what he has for me in my life and to let him make a beautiful thing out of my life.

Dear Old Me

To the girl who stands next to me as I look in the mirror, my twin whose face is familiar as my own, hello again. You, dear old self, were once the only person who I could call my only friend. The one who looked out for me and kept me safe from everything that tried to hurt me. You were the shoulder I leaned on and that pushed me through the darker days of my life. 
You also were the one that held me back keeping me from going too far down the path of self destruction I craved with passion. You taught me how to build walls so it would just be you and me because in the end, that was all I had. But now it's time for us to say goodbye.
Yes. Thats right. It is time for you to pack your bags and walk out that door. Because while you may have restrained me from self imploding you also held me back from fully running into God's loving embrace.  And yes you may have kept me alive when I lost hope but God is the one who now showing me that my hope lies in him. I no longer need you to whisper in my ears a list of past sins and deeds that trap in chains of guilt because they are becoming points of references, dots on a timeline instead of my perminate place of address. You, the other half in the mirror, are a warped measuring stick that fails to truly show how my Father really sees me.
You,old me, can leave your key as I show you out. I know you will try and come back but I have a community that will remind me that you are my past not the girl who I am today. And all you are is a point of reference in the story book of my journey, nothing more or less.
So old me thank you for what you did in getting me through the tough parts of my life but now it's time for you to go. I'll lock the door of my heart after you exit it.
Sincerely,
Me.

Trust

Trust.
All I hear is
The ringing in
My ears, and the acidic
Taste of broken promises
That came from my mouth.

Trust.
You want me
To take that step
Yet again, hand outstretched
To cast aside the past and take
Your hand in mine.

Trust
How can I
Tell you that the
Only thing holding me
Back is the girl who lives
In fear, the dark twin whose
Embrace has become home sheltering
Me from the glares that might come my way.

Trust
You stand there
Waiting saying come
And I’ll give you rest, just
Waiting for me to shrug off
The self imposed chains as I struggle
Trying to ignore the painful comfort of
My own strength and I keep falling short

Trust
The one thing
I lack as I want
To reach out, to grasp your
Hand and just hang on to you
To have a child like faith and just
Believe because you say so.

Trust
Father please
Grant me the trust
To remain in you completely.

Amen

_____________________________

Something that has been bouncing around in my head since Sunday. Totally captures the mood I’m in.