You don't fix faith

What would happen to Christianity if we let faith fix us and the world around us?

Change

The winds of change are blowing towards me and stirring my soul. Now comes the chance to take a step forward or back as uncertainty is holding me close. I feel the restlessness dancing under my skin as I stare at the ledge. Back and forth I teeter wondering if I can really do this, if I can change or will I be suck here in this darkness that has become my home for so long. Unsure if I am ready, unsure if what I am wanting to do is right.
My trust is shot but yet I stand slowly reaching my hands praying that you'll guide me through the night that I am facing hoping that the night will grow shorter as I continue to trust. I'm unsure of where this road will lead I have so many doubts, questions, thoughts that have yet to have answers. I'm fearful that I will fall again and not be able to get up but I know I am free falling already. And I need you to catch me and help me get to the place I long to be.
So here I am posed for the first step I just to let go and fall into your arms. So why can't I find the courage that I need to let go and start the process. I know you are there so help me take the step I need to start on the path home.

Reminders

Of how the most High and others see me. I pray that someday I'll believe the words that are there

A look in the mirror

I took this photo a few months ago. But yet the photo tells you more about me than a thousand posts could. My college pastor like I posted a week ago I think, was talking about how we are all actors. I’ve taken a look at myself in the mirror these past weeks and what I see is a girl with a mask on her face like the photo I have there. I’m not sure when it became second nature to wear it everywhere or to swap it out one mask for another that was more suited for the situation. But what I do knew is that life taught me how to wear them because it said that there was something wrong with me, as it bruised me over and over again until I decided enough was enough and started to hide my fears and everything that was undesirable under the mask.

Now I look in the mirror and want to change myself, to slowly take off the mask like I’m doing in the photo and starting to let the real me show, bit by bit. There are parts of me I don’t like, parts I would rather disappear forever, but they are still a part of me just as much as my eyes or the finger tips that are pounding away on the key board. I need to start accepting who I am as God made me, even if it seems like I’m not good enough to be that girl. I know this isn’t going to happen over night, but someone once told me baby steps. And for now baby steps, seem like the right way to go.

Stand in the Rain

She beckons me by tapping the window
Lightly hitting the roofing tiles as she
Prances to the edge of roof before leaping
To the ground below, making a light slapping sound
Before she howls as loud as the wind at me

"Come down," She calls as she taps the window again
"Come down and play." I head the call as I step through
The window as the wind runs its fingers through my hair
Tossing it back and forth as I lower myself to her height
Staring into her gray eyes as she smiles at me.

"Will you dance?" Confusion flashed across my face
Causing a gentle smile to blur the color in her eyes as
Cold finger tips gently touched my face,
"Will you dance?" She asks once more before beginning
To move as she sways from side to side
Her feet gently gliding over the ground

She dances before my eyes keeping me
Hypnotized as she gently reaches out with
Icy fingers grabbing a hold of heated skin as
I slowly begin to step back
"Will you dance?" The question is whispered
As she stares at me before I slowly move
Cooling limbs into action as my bare feet smack
The ground as I twirl

My vision blurs as I feel the rain fall against my face
Hearing her gentle laughter in my head as
I feel the drops fall against my skin before descending
To the ground below to cover my feet as it cleans
The earth underneath my soles filling my nose
With the scent of freshness

I slowly stop twirling as I fall to my knees
Letting the rain wash over me as I pray for it
To carry me away to some far off place
Not caring that my limbs have grown long since cold
As icy as molten tears scald my face as longing
To shed the mortal coil that is restricting me in place
Being denied the chance to disappear leaving
Behind the life that holds no chance of becoming as
Clean as the ground under me

The only thing that I am thankful for
Is that the rain gently embraces me as
She hides my tears from the world.


Its been raining where I live for the past two days. I love rain because it makes everything clean but sometimes I wish I could erase my past like the way rain does dirt on a sidewalk but it won't happen.

Now on blogger more often and prayer

So most everyone I know does a Blogger or a wordpress. I am thankfully cool enough to do both ;)
Which means I need to update this with my last post on my wordpress. I'll be posting more stuff more often so enjoy :)
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So I decided that I would post my prayer for this week. I think because maybe out there somewhere will be someone who has the same prayer and know that they aren't alone.

Father,

Guide my steps, keep me close to you but most important grant me a heart that will trust you no matter what and that is willing to begin the process of letting things go. Help break the glass walls that are like a steel trap for my soul so that I may finally start to be real and open with the world and people around me. But Father hold me close so that I might not lose the courage to change the things about me that need to be changed. Thank you for the blessings I have been given and open my eyes to see them all. In your name,

Amen

Proving a sheep skin can be soaked & become totally dry again

Okay the odd title comes from the story of Gideon in the Bible and from what I remember he tested God by making him soak a sheep skin and keeping the grass around it dry, to see if he should go to war. Then after that happened that if God made the grass wet and the sheep skin dry then he would go to war.

Lately the past month from the middle of July unto now, has been job hunting. Which for a person who has little job experience and just starting out in the world, is a huge pain in the rear. I can say I have between that time applied to sixty plus places, realistically. If I’m just guessing, I’d say it felt more like a hundred. My father decided that as I was living under his roof that he ordered me to get up by seven, job hunt on the internet until eight or nine then go out and get paper applications and fill those out.

Point is, somethings happened due to the social contract and my behavior, prompting my father to give the Coast Guard my number to have them leave a message on the day of my interview for a company in my town. Needless to say I was unhappy.( The whole thing about the Coast Guard is its my parents idea of getting me to learn motivation and responsibility in a controlled environment…..not very happy with that statement.)

Anyways I go to my interview at the company with ten minutes to spare and this wonderful woman leads me to the interview area, helping me smile and laugh (God totally sent her I think to help me keep calm. ) I sat on the bench they had as I waited and prayed that I would get the job and God would help me stay calm. I go into my interview and hand the manager my resume who looks over it and says, oh you go to this church? I reply yes I do. And she says, me too I just love the senior pastor. Totally a God thing right there and that we clicked right off the bat during the interview and setting it up (we kept missing each other and played phone tag)

So after she does the interview and lets me ask any questions I have, she offers me a job.

At 8.50 an hour, for a first job.

All I could say was thank you Jesus and yes I will take it.

God totally answered one of the major prayer requests in my life. As for the rest, all will happen in good time.

So excited for my job I cant wait

School starts again soon, and I’m doing Tuesdays and Thursdays leaving the rest of the week open for work and the ability for me to go to my college small group that I have yet to attend but hopefully will soon

Other than that life is good, other than the elephant poem is still very much my life in one relationship. That’s on the prayer list.

Oh well, must run. Will post some more poetry or ramblings here soon.

Bye!