Reminders

Of how the most High and others see me. I pray that someday I'll believe the words that are there

A look in the mirror

I took this photo a few months ago. But yet the photo tells you more about me than a thousand posts could. My college pastor like I posted a week ago I think, was talking about how we are all actors. I’ve taken a look at myself in the mirror these past weeks and what I see is a girl with a mask on her face like the photo I have there. I’m not sure when it became second nature to wear it everywhere or to swap it out one mask for another that was more suited for the situation. But what I do knew is that life taught me how to wear them because it said that there was something wrong with me, as it bruised me over and over again until I decided enough was enough and started to hide my fears and everything that was undesirable under the mask.

Now I look in the mirror and want to change myself, to slowly take off the mask like I’m doing in the photo and starting to let the real me show, bit by bit. There are parts of me I don’t like, parts I would rather disappear forever, but they are still a part of me just as much as my eyes or the finger tips that are pounding away on the key board. I need to start accepting who I am as God made me, even if it seems like I’m not good enough to be that girl. I know this isn’t going to happen over night, but someone once told me baby steps. And for now baby steps, seem like the right way to go.

Stand in the Rain

She beckons me by tapping the window
Lightly hitting the roofing tiles as she
Prances to the edge of roof before leaping
To the ground below, making a light slapping sound
Before she howls as loud as the wind at me

"Come down," She calls as she taps the window again
"Come down and play." I head the call as I step through
The window as the wind runs its fingers through my hair
Tossing it back and forth as I lower myself to her height
Staring into her gray eyes as she smiles at me.

"Will you dance?" Confusion flashed across my face
Causing a gentle smile to blur the color in her eyes as
Cold finger tips gently touched my face,
"Will you dance?" She asks once more before beginning
To move as she sways from side to side
Her feet gently gliding over the ground

She dances before my eyes keeping me
Hypnotized as she gently reaches out with
Icy fingers grabbing a hold of heated skin as
I slowly begin to step back
"Will you dance?" The question is whispered
As she stares at me before I slowly move
Cooling limbs into action as my bare feet smack
The ground as I twirl

My vision blurs as I feel the rain fall against my face
Hearing her gentle laughter in my head as
I feel the drops fall against my skin before descending
To the ground below to cover my feet as it cleans
The earth underneath my soles filling my nose
With the scent of freshness

I slowly stop twirling as I fall to my knees
Letting the rain wash over me as I pray for it
To carry me away to some far off place
Not caring that my limbs have grown long since cold
As icy as molten tears scald my face as longing
To shed the mortal coil that is restricting me in place
Being denied the chance to disappear leaving
Behind the life that holds no chance of becoming as
Clean as the ground under me

The only thing that I am thankful for
Is that the rain gently embraces me as
She hides my tears from the world.


Its been raining where I live for the past two days. I love rain because it makes everything clean but sometimes I wish I could erase my past like the way rain does dirt on a sidewalk but it won't happen.

Now on blogger more often and prayer

So most everyone I know does a Blogger or a wordpress. I am thankfully cool enough to do both ;)
Which means I need to update this with my last post on my wordpress. I'll be posting more stuff more often so enjoy :)
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So I decided that I would post my prayer for this week. I think because maybe out there somewhere will be someone who has the same prayer and know that they aren't alone.

Father,

Guide my steps, keep me close to you but most important grant me a heart that will trust you no matter what and that is willing to begin the process of letting things go. Help break the glass walls that are like a steel trap for my soul so that I may finally start to be real and open with the world and people around me. But Father hold me close so that I might not lose the courage to change the things about me that need to be changed. Thank you for the blessings I have been given and open my eyes to see them all. In your name,

Amen

Proving a sheep skin can be soaked & become totally dry again

Okay the odd title comes from the story of Gideon in the Bible and from what I remember he tested God by making him soak a sheep skin and keeping the grass around it dry, to see if he should go to war. Then after that happened that if God made the grass wet and the sheep skin dry then he would go to war.

Lately the past month from the middle of July unto now, has been job hunting. Which for a person who has little job experience and just starting out in the world, is a huge pain in the rear. I can say I have between that time applied to sixty plus places, realistically. If I’m just guessing, I’d say it felt more like a hundred. My father decided that as I was living under his roof that he ordered me to get up by seven, job hunt on the internet until eight or nine then go out and get paper applications and fill those out.

Point is, somethings happened due to the social contract and my behavior, prompting my father to give the Coast Guard my number to have them leave a message on the day of my interview for a company in my town. Needless to say I was unhappy.( The whole thing about the Coast Guard is its my parents idea of getting me to learn motivation and responsibility in a controlled environment…..not very happy with that statement.)

Anyways I go to my interview at the company with ten minutes to spare and this wonderful woman leads me to the interview area, helping me smile and laugh (God totally sent her I think to help me keep calm. ) I sat on the bench they had as I waited and prayed that I would get the job and God would help me stay calm. I go into my interview and hand the manager my resume who looks over it and says, oh you go to this church? I reply yes I do. And she says, me too I just love the senior pastor. Totally a God thing right there and that we clicked right off the bat during the interview and setting it up (we kept missing each other and played phone tag)

So after she does the interview and lets me ask any questions I have, she offers me a job.

At 8.50 an hour, for a first job.

All I could say was thank you Jesus and yes I will take it.

God totally answered one of the major prayer requests in my life. As for the rest, all will happen in good time.

So excited for my job I cant wait

School starts again soon, and I’m doing Tuesdays and Thursdays leaving the rest of the week open for work and the ability for me to go to my college small group that I have yet to attend but hopefully will soon

Other than that life is good, other than the elephant poem is still very much my life in one relationship. That’s on the prayer list.

Oh well, must run. Will post some more poetry or ramblings here soon.

Bye!

Who I am

So who am I? I don't know if anyone will ever read this. I'm hoping that no one does but also I think I am hoping that they will as well. Simply put, I am flawed. Okay maybe that's a little bit too simple. Right now, I'm just a girl who doesn't understand where my life is and how it got there. I'm very flawed. Plain and simple. I love my dog that just decided to come up to me and kiss my nose.
People have told me that I will be a great mom because of how much I care for people and how good I am with them. But my deepest fear is to be a parent. Odd right? The reason why is because my family isn't smooth, my parents are good people but we clash way too much. I'm too artistic for them and that's ok. It's hard for my close friends to understand me too.
I'm terribly insecure and I've tried almost everything to fix it. But I don't ever want to take pills for anything because they will kill you quicker than a car accident. But I'm learning flaws and all that I am lovable. And it's a lesson I have to learn and remember each day.

Love is a verb not a noun no matter how hard you try to make it one

I've been thinking a lot lately. Most people will find that odd but whatever. Right now my mind keeps going around in circles on one thing. Love. It's something we all want no matter how much we say in public we don't need it. Love is some that we all search for trying to find and a lot of the times coming up empty handed and right back at square 1.

I mean I've seen love. I see it when I look at my parents. Like any relationship they've had their low points but at the next day my dad is back hugging my mom and calling her his bonita. Makes me wonder why people can't find this love. Why its so hard? Simple. We are afraid. We are afraid to take the risk of finding love and getting hurt somewhere in the process. I hate pain as much as the next person, trust me. But we close off so we don't get hurt and settle for an imitation of what true love is.

We crash and burn and we moan about why can (insert some hollywood actor) come sweep us off our feet and woo us and ride of into the sunset with us to live happily ever after. It's not the way life works sadly. Wish it did. But as my mother is fond of telling me life isn't a movie. But we close off and sadly it takes a lot of heartbreaks and pain until we find someone worth loving. It's sad really. For people who are called to love we judge, tally, measure, and find people unworthy. I'm not just talking about relationships either.

I'm talking about how we treat people. Latest example lets go with (spins random wheel) Prop 8. Oh boy we screwed up there. I'm not saying I'm for gay marriage. I'm not for it either. I like the middle road a compromise which results in amending domestic partnership. However both sides are dug in too deep and are too stubborn to go back to the table. But back to my point. People we are called to love!!! And what did we do. We made signs that said "Go burn in hell. You aren't worth God's love!" And yes I just slammed the church a bit.

As God's people or what ever you want to call us if you aren't Christians and reading this, we aren't called to be a judge. We aren't suppose to point out our fellow man's flaws. If I recall correctly" James 2:10-11 (NIV) For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. For he who said, "Do not commit adultery," also said, "Do not murder." If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker." So pretty much guess what, you matter what you do, you sin! We sin! We screw up! And that makes us guilty. Sin is sin. But we as humans pick and choose what is worse.

Oh you're gay? That makes you worse than a liar. Oh you had an affair? That makes you better than a murder. Wake up! Sin is sin, it still means that we are imperfect and in need of grace. Here's my idea. Try letting go of the judgments and leave those to God. And be the love incarnate that Jesus called us to be. When he was here, he showed us God's love on earth by hanging out with those who are considered outcasts. Check it out " 9As Jesus went on from there, He saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. "Follow me," He told him, and Matthew got up and followed Him. 10While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with Him and His disciples. 11When the Pharisees saw this, they asked His disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?"12On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. " Matthew 9:9-12.

Jesus went to the people who were the social outcasts and in our society that would look like the kids wearing all black, gays, the disabled, take your pick. The point is Jesus came into their lives and hung out with them, getting to know them. He showed them love when their own communities didn't? And we don't why??? So here's another idea of mine. Let love be a verb like it's suppose to. Too often we cheapen it by saying "Oh I love that book." etc.

I know for me I say I love you to my friends a lot. I do. I truly love them. They are pretty amazing and so many other things that I'm not going to list. I love them for them, at least I try to. There are times were I could throttle them but the feeling is mutual. But the point is try being love. Just listen to someone, no judgments no strings attached and just be there for them. That's love. And just go out and be love to people. Make their day a bit brighter by doing something small.

Now I'm not saying that we forgo the whole entire "yes you are sinning and you need Jesus" stuff. But maybe do it with a little less bashing involved. I mean people already know that they screw up. If you are there for them when they do and gently remind them that God loves them no matter what they do instead of saying "You sinner! Bad sinner bad!" You get a lot further with the first instead of the second.

But then again these are just my thoughts. I could be missing the mark here or I could be hitting it. Just remember something "John 15:9-12 :As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." Jesus calls us to love like him.

And his love was radical. It broke down barriers. It changed the world. Maybe if we start to love like him again. Things would start to change and it would be something pretty cool in my mind. So just let love be a verb in your life and stop making it a noun. Verbs get things done and nouns just sit there.

Ta ta peeps