Pruning and glorious messes

When I was younger I remember my mother had a huge garden. In it we had a beautiful world full of flowers and life that was fun to be around. I remember too that she had a few rose plants that I would watch her cut down to a few main branches before leaving them. I'd watch as she water and care for what seemed like a dead twig in the ground for the months leading into spring.
Finally as spring came I can recall watching in fascination as branches and buds along with leaves began to turn the root into something beautiful as the buds bloomed into roses that colors ranged from a light pink to a deep ruby red.
Why am I bringing this up? Because these past few weeks we've been talking in Fusion about remaining in Christ and abiding in the vine like he calls us to do in John 15. And to be honest I've heard it before in church how we need to continue to remain in God or we cant make it in  this life. It's just too much that we can't handle or make happen on our own. It's impossible to handle this crazy life on our own. And to handle it I thought we had to remain in Christ which meant that all I had to do was show up on sundays and worship while reading my Bible daily and praying and serving others occasionally. 
But it's more than that. It also says in John 15 that God like my mom did will prune the vine so it can bare fruit. Just like my mom knew the rose bush wouldn't sprout anything unless she trimmed away the dead growth so to does God know we don't grow without work. 
That's where I find myself at the moment. It's fall in my life and God is trimming away dead growth. I feel terrified. Change is always scary and hurt in a way but that doesn't make it any else beautiful to me. But as I was saying without God pointing out the things in my life preventing me to be the best example I can be I would be screwed. There would be no growth. I'd be stuck as a dead shrub not a shrub who will eventually reach spring and bloom.
Until then I have to relearn a lot of stuff and it feels crappy like I'm getting no where. Growing is painful but here I am a glorious mess learning how to abide in her Father and what he has for me in my life and to let him make a beautiful thing out of my life.

Dear Old Me

To the girl who stands next to me as I look in the mirror, my twin whose face is familiar as my own, hello again. You, dear old self, were once the only person who I could call my only friend. The one who looked out for me and kept me safe from everything that tried to hurt me. You were the shoulder I leaned on and that pushed me through the darker days of my life. 
You also were the one that held me back keeping me from going too far down the path of self destruction I craved with passion. You taught me how to build walls so it would just be you and me because in the end, that was all I had. But now it's time for us to say goodbye.
Yes. Thats right. It is time for you to pack your bags and walk out that door. Because while you may have restrained me from self imploding you also held me back from fully running into God's loving embrace.  And yes you may have kept me alive when I lost hope but God is the one who now showing me that my hope lies in him. I no longer need you to whisper in my ears a list of past sins and deeds that trap in chains of guilt because they are becoming points of references, dots on a timeline instead of my perminate place of address. You, the other half in the mirror, are a warped measuring stick that fails to truly show how my Father really sees me.
You,old me, can leave your key as I show you out. I know you will try and come back but I have a community that will remind me that you are my past not the girl who I am today. And all you are is a point of reference in the story book of my journey, nothing more or less.
So old me thank you for what you did in getting me through the tough parts of my life but now it's time for you to go. I'll lock the door of my heart after you exit it.
Sincerely,
Me.

Trust

Trust.
All I hear is
The ringing in
My ears, and the acidic
Taste of broken promises
That came from my mouth.

Trust.
You want me
To take that step
Yet again, hand outstretched
To cast aside the past and take
Your hand in mine.

Trust
How can I
Tell you that the
Only thing holding me
Back is the girl who lives
In fear, the dark twin whose
Embrace has become home sheltering
Me from the glares that might come my way.

Trust
You stand there
Waiting saying come
And I’ll give you rest, just
Waiting for me to shrug off
The self imposed chains as I struggle
Trying to ignore the painful comfort of
My own strength and I keep falling short

Trust
The one thing
I lack as I want
To reach out, to grasp your
Hand and just hang on to you
To have a child like faith and just
Believe because you say so.

Trust
Father please
Grant me the trust
To remain in you completely.

Amen

_____________________________

Something that has been bouncing around in my head since Sunday. Totally captures the mood I’m in.

To My Child

In my ASL class Thursday, we started to learn the signs to apply to our family. And during one of the dialogs that we use to practice the signs we are learning, a question came up asking if you wanted kids. People think the automatic answer to the question for any woman would be yes. But to be honest I am hesitant. I know I want kids, I’ve felt it every time I see someone’s baby or a little kid running around my church. At the same time though, I fear that I wouldn’t be a good parent. ( Odd I’ve yet to graduate college and I’m happily single and I’m worried I won’t be a good parent…go figure *shoulder shrug*)

But it got me thinking what would I say if I could met my child for a few seconds and talk to them? Honestly I’m not sure but I think, it would go something like this poem I penned while thinking about it.

To you my child,
I write these words
Hoping they find you
In good health, or at least
You will be slightly okay, better
Than I was doing at whatever age
You find yourself reading this.

I hope you know that
I love you, that I show
It to you in new ways every
Day, because everyday before
You got here on this planet, I
Swore up and down that I would
Treat you right.

I pray that you are
Everything you want
To be, that I’ve taught you
The importance of a penny saved,
The pride of hard work, and most of
All,the endurance to chase your dreams to completion.

I know that
I hope that you
Are always smiling more
Than you are crying, for life is
Never quite as easy as we like. I pray
You never doubt the love of the Father and
The Son and that you will always be wrapped
In there love.

But most of all,
The thing I wish you
Most to know, is that I will
Love you through the playful
Summer and during gentle Fall,
On the nights of sorrowful Winter, I hold
You close whispering how much I love you, and
During gleeful Spring afternoons I’ll dance with you
Through fields, letting our laughter mingle as I yell to
The skies how much I love you.

So my child,
Where ever in time
You may be, know that
No matter what I will always love you.